How not to shop

Every year, my mom’s side of the family goes to Chicago on Black Friday. It’s been a family tradition that’s been going on for longer than I remember, and the reason we go has always been the same.

We don’t go to get any special deals or to save money on our Christmas shopping, online shopping has pretty much taken care of that.

We go to watch the crazy people claw and fight each other for things they probably can’t afford.

It’s a yearly reminder for me of how hilarious and ridiculous consumerism can be.
If you’ve never witnessed the opening of an Apple store on Black Friday, I seriously recommend that you do.

Watching a 50-year-old woman spit in the face of another adult is a life changing experience.

That’s not even the worst that Black Friday has to offer. In 2008, an argument in a Toys-R-Us resulted in a shootout, claiming the lives of both shooters.

Think about that for a second.

Two grown men shot each other to death over some plush doll their kids would have forgotten about a week after Christmas. 

These people who will do literally anything to save a couple dollars aren’t just crazy singularities that pop up now and again. They exist by the thousands.

Every year I watch them snatch items out of each other’s hands and scream at the top of their lungs that they were here first. It’s like someone took a preschooler shopping.

I get that times are tough right now for a lot of people. As someone who has to look at a single digit number in his bank account at the moment, I know what it means not to be able to afford the things I want.

Tough times aren’t an excuse for some of the things that shoppers have done during the years. If you have to stampede over some poor Walmart employee to be able to pay for that new LED TV, you probably can’t afford it in the first place.

Your kid isn’t going to hate you forever for not being able to buy him the exact toy he wants this year, and you aren’t going to die if you don’t get the new iPad Mini.

Life is too short to spend 14 hours in a line so you can violently fight for stuff you don’t need.

Believe me, it’s equal parts sad and funny to watch.

­— kevsjack@indiana.edu