What your favorite movie as a kid says about you

“My Girl”
You never go near bees and, Macaulay Culkin never became a crackhead — he just died when he was 11 years old. Dead bodies slightly freak you out but only in an I-wouldn’t-want-to-be-locked-in-a-basement-with-them kind of way.

“The Mighty Ducks”
You mean “D2: Mighty Ducks,” right? Because real Mighty Ducks fans know that the second one, “D2: Mighty Ducks,” is so much better, despite the awkward Hans to Jan transition. You still hold some deep-seeded stereotypes: You think that everyone in Iceland is evil, Asians are great at acrobatics, Texans bring their rope everywhere, girls are either tough or want to make out all the time and all African Americans can teach you how to trash talk or knucklepuck because they love street hockey.

“The Parent Trap”
You understand the importance of a good handshake and you always keep your clothes in a safe spot when you’re going skinny dipping. You know your twin is out there but blame your parents for your separation because they never sent you to camp. Also, Lindsay Lohan was your idol, both her and her twin. She would obviously grow up to be the next Julia Roberts. Therefore, you’ve been feeling a little disappointed during the last five years. Let’s not even talk about how you probably expected a lot more from Britney Spears as well.

“Babe”
 You’re a vegetarian. Or you at least think twice when you eat bacon.

Any Disney movie, except for “Lion King,” see below
You spent most of your childhood watching the same movie 20 times in a row. I hope you’ve realized by now that your hair is never going to look that good, I’m talking to you both, girls and boys. Also, you may think you have a special connection to animals, but most likely the closest animal to you are the roaches in your dorm.

“The Lion King”
You have obvious father issues, but combined with your hakuna matata lifestyle, you cancel out any serious emotional scars. You’re wary of all uncles.

“Home Alone”
You never let your parents leave you alone. Babysitters were always background-checked, especially if they even remotely resembled Joe Pesci, and you convinced your parents to put in a security system by the age of 10. By now, you’ve realized that you can just call the police when someone’s breaking into your house.

“Matilda”
You never wore your hair in braids for fear of being spun and thrown over a spiked fence. To this day, you’re also extremely wary of any sort of chocolate cake. You also idolize your elementary school teachers.

“The Land Before Time”
This was the natural progression after your Barney obsession. You would never segregate between a ‘swimmer’ or a ‘flyer.’ If you’re currently a geology major, bravo for following your dream. Most likely you’re a hipster now and constantly say, “I totally liked dinosaurs before they were cool.”

“Sixth Sense”
What kind of parents did you have?

Or, were you not allowed to watch movies as a kid?
Well, at least you know that you can blame your parents for the exact moment you became the weird kid. Don’t worry, there still may be time. Put down the paper and watch every movie above.

­— crshelle@indiana.edu