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Thursday, March 28
The Indiana Daily Student

Don't get high: A message for dogs everywhere

Good dogs don't do dope.

While the D.A.R.E. program has worked wonders helping young people recognize the horrors of getting high, a new theater has emerged in the War on Drugs.
We’re looking at you, dogs.

”Stoner dog” cases have recently spiked across the country, especially in places where marijuana has been legalized.

It seems that while McGruff the Crime Dog was urging us to take a bite out of crime, he was secretly taking a bite out of a pot brownie, probably provided by his negligent owner.

Though marijuana can be used as a medical treatment for human ailments, its effects on dogs resemble those of a bad trip.

Two dogs died in Colorado after eating baked goods laced with marijuana butter, which seems to be more toxic to canines.

Are you listening, dogs of Bloomington?

We know marijuana, or Mary Jane or woof, or whatever you pups are calling it these days, looks fun. Maybe you have seen your master indulging once or twice.

Just like you can’t have human food, you can’t have human recreational drugs. Instead of making you giggly, hungry or lazy, pot will make you wobbly, confused and sad.

You will get sick and have to go to the vet, and you hate the vet. Once you get there, they will probably have to stick a thermometer up your butt.

Think of all your doggie idols.

Lassie never smoked. In fact, she spent most of her time trying to save others from smoke poisoning.

Air Bud was never blazed, contrary to his name. Instead, he was high on life and slam dunks.

The Little Buddies could talk, and they went to space. Why? They never thought about drugs.

Balto pulled a sled full of medicine across the harsh Alaskan wilderness and saved a ton of sick kids. He did not keep a vial for himself, and that is why he is an American hero.

If you want to save the day, win the championship, or be in a direct-to-DVD movie, you cannot waste away your days in a drug-induced haze.

Good dogs don’t do dope. Period. You might be thinking, “I can’t help it, my master just keeps pressuring me. He blows smoke in my ear without asking. What am I supposed to do?”

Stand up to peer pressure, dog.

Do you not have a life, an identity, outside of your owner? Control your own fate. If your master told you to play dead, would you do it?

If he were truly your best friend, would he make you get high even when you hate it? Of course not.

If he does, maybe it’s time to find a new owner.

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