Separation Anxiety

Life is defined by a lot of firsts.

There’s the first day of school. First sleepover. First job. First relationship. First night at college.

These are things you do on your own — things that shape you. However, this was never the case for me.

Until last year, I’d never actually experienced anything by myself, especially those life-changing moments. I always had my twin sister Liz by my side to cushion the blow of life’s challenges. We did everything together. Since the very beginning, we’ve been inseparable. We have the same friends, same sense of humor, slightly different tastes in clothing, are in the same sorority and just short of telepathy, we know each other better than anyone.

But it’s all we know — to us, this is normal.

That’s why the summer of 2011 was so important. I was going to spend eight weeks in England as part of the School of Journalism’s Summer in London internship program, and not only was I going without Liz, but I was going without anyone I knew.

It was the ultimate shock, and it represented a big “first” for me. It was the first time I would be completely independent.

Twinless.

It was like karma had kept track of all the “firsts” I’d gotten out of and was now serving up a colossal plate of stress on an obnoxious silver platter.

I’m typically not one to address my feelings, so in the days before my departure, I went on pretending my mounting fears and tearful nerves simply weren’t there — totally healthy, I know.

But hiding my emotions didn’t bode well for me, especially when I landed across the pond. On top of severe jet lag, I quickly felt lost, alone, confused, and defeated. For the first time, Liz wasn’t there to smooth the edges and make things comfortable and easy for me.

It was like getting glasses for the first time and thinking, so this is what the world really looks like? I was at a loss. My new friends were 20 years into their twin-free lives, and I felt like a five-year-old who had wandered into the eighth graders’ classroom.

Who was I without her? I was convinced the world had only seen me as “one of the twins” and assigned the same qualities to both of us. Without Liz, the illusion was shattered. People would see me as I really was: Introspective. Shy. Anxious. What if there were things I didn’t want to uncover about myself? Was I secretly boring? Socially awkward?

I couldn’t just spend two months feeling blue, and I’ve never been one for self-pity. I was surrounded by a wonderful group of people who were more than welcoming, and I had seven weeks remaining. This was my opportunity to grow and learn more about myself. And that’s exactly what I did.

One weekend stands out the most. A few students booked flights to Madrid. The old me would have never considered going; I still didn’t know anyone particularly well, so my gut reaction was to say no. But I was ready for a change; I bought my RyanAir ticket before I could reconsider. I knew it would be a huge growing experience for me, and I wanted to spend more time with my new friends.

It paid off. I had one of the best weekends of my life. I explored a beautiful city, drank copious amounts of sangria, bonded with incredible people, and realized that I could do amazing things on my own. It defined my new attitude.

I left Europe feeling independent, confident and unique — three things I had really never felt before.