Semen is out to get you

Let’s talk about semen.

As long as you take the proper precautions against pregnancy, it’s pretty harmless, right? A little gross and a little messy, but not overtly threatening, as far as we know.

Wrong.

Women, take note: Semen will control your mind.

Seriously. Science confirms it. Two recent studies of semen’s interaction with female bodies produced surprising results.

First, researchers at Saskatchewan University found seminal fluid, also known as the liquid stuff the male body produces to mix with sperm, contains a protein that directly stimulates ovulation in the female brain.

Even if the female is not ovulating, the ovulation-inducing protein can cause her to release an egg.

Basically, seminal fluid is trying to get you pregnant, whether you like it or not.

Second, researchers at the State University of New York and the University of Liverpool found that women who use condoms and have protected sex are more likely to be depressed than those who have unprotected sex.

Once again, it’s because of semen. Semen contains chemicals such as oxytocin, which promotes happiness; cortisol, which promotes affection; and serotonin, which works as a natural antidepressant.

Women in the study who had experienced unprotected sex frequently reported being much happier than women who’d engaged in protected sex or who hadn’t had sex at all.

To recap, semen can cause you to ovulate against your will and make you so happy you don’t care that it’s manipulating you.

If anything, this should just be further motivation to have protected sex. No one in college wants an “oops” baby motivated by semen’s manipulative, forced ovulation.

Most women would probably rather think about their relationships without the help of semen’s little mood-altering voice in the back of their heads.

So, wrap it up when you want to get it in, kids.

Semen is out to get you.

­— opinion@idsnews.com