The Anatomy of a Freshman

1 Hat
This flat-billed IU hat shows the freshman’s enthusiastic school spirit and his eagerness to run out the door and show his trendy, mature, new style — all before he remembers to remove the tags and price stickers.

2 Frat Glasses
These stunner shades were either picked up from the floor of a fraternity’s house  or secretly purchased at the local bookstore so the freshman could appear to be a total frat star. Either way, he is announcing to all IU upperclassmen: “I’ve got swagger, yo,” when in reality he smells of suburbia and his mom’s fabric softener.

3 Smile
Flaunting his glistening Colgate Max White smile, the freshman naively assumes he is in for the ride of his life — independence at last. He has no notion of the atrocities associated with midterms and finals and has yet to experience the devastating reality of how irrelevant his opinions are to his 100-level professors.

4 Cigarette
The signature trademark of the cigarette — also known as the cig, ciggy or square to the freshman — is pretty much the only way this freshman has an “in” to talk to people at the smoking table.

5 Headphones
The top-of-the-line headphones, complete with massive bass fold and swivel mechanisms, give off an air that the freshman is into new-age electronic dubstep or even a little blues by The Originator (Bo Diddley), when he’s actually listening to the hit single “Baby” from Justin Bieber’s first album, “My World.”

6 Receipt
This is the thousand-dollar receipt the freshman totes around after purchasing his textbooks at the overpriced IU Bookstore. He has yet to learn of the mystical discount site called Amazon, where he can purchase his required readings for half the price.

7 Lanyard
The lanyard is the deadliest giveaway of the freshman ensemble. This IU-spirited cloth string doubles as a super cool accessory and a place to hold all of the things that give away his freshman status: keys, ID and his
graduation gift, a Qdoba gift card.

8 "How Can You Be Involved?" Flyer
This piece of unrecycled material is a call-out for freshmen to “Get involved today!” Most likely, this freshman will spread himself thinly over a series of useless extra-curriculars under the false notion that he is building his résumé and future success.

9 Daniel Weber
The original creator of the famous IU anthem “This is Indiana” has a special place in the heart of each freshman, encompassing what it truly means to take pride in Hoosier basketball,. The YouTube sensation told him to put his hands up if he’s a “B-town boy”, but he has no idea that Daniel Weber not only wants him to put his hands down ... but to back away ... very ... slowly.