Five people you don't want to meet during Lil 5

THE RA:

If you’re a freshman, there’s a 99 percent chance that you’re living in the dorms. You haven’t quite gotten to the sweet freedom of living in a place other than a Residential Programs and Services facility and playing by your own rules. Instead, you’re still technically required to follow said rules and behave well. The enforcer of this system is your resident assistant. You might have a lax one who just stays in his or her room all day and lets you live your life. You might have a nosy one who is far too concerned with guiding you down the path of obedience. If you have the latter, Lil 5 might not be a fun time for you. Avoid your RA at all costs. This means shutting your door when you are/have been partying, wearing disguises as you leave your hall and pretending you don’t see or hear them if they’re around.

THE HIGH SCHOOLER:

Our campus will be crawling with people this week. Among those people will be a smattering of 16-year-olds hoping to get in on the fun. There are always a few juniors and seniors (occasional desperate sophomores) from Indiana high schools who show up and wander around. Sometimes they have older friends on campus who they follow blindly or use to get into parties. Most of the time, it’s pretty obvious that they’re not supposed to be here. They’ll be acting out and screaming about everything and throwing up everywhere just like they do at their high-school parties. They think they’re hot stuff for being here, but when it comes down to it, their young minds are simply not ready for the 500. Avoid them. They will cling to you, follow you to whatever party you’re attending and subsequently vomit on your shoes. And don’t try to sleep with the drunk 17-year-old girls or boys. Even if you’re a freshman here and they’re a senior in high school, it’s creepy. There are plenty of people here your age if you’re that desperate.

EXCISE:

Lil 5 is probably the most idiotic time to try and use that fake you have lying around. As someone who works for an alcohol company, take it from me: Excise police will be out in full force. They’re usually just slightly too quiet and just slightly too old to quite fit in at the bars when they’re in plainclothes. However, they’re bringing in the big guns for our week of festivities. They’re sneaky, and they know what to look for. If you’re 18 and trying to get into Roy’s, they’ll pounce like a cat on a laser pointer. They’ll also be out and about in the streets of Bloomington. Being at a house party doesn’t mean you’re safe, and being 21 or older doesn’t mean you can’t get ticketed for intox. Excise can ruin your Lil 5. So, if you see anyone who looks a year older than 22, calmly walk away and hide your drink under your shirt. This is age discrimination for safety purposes.

BLACKED OUT GREEK:

It’s safe to say that Lil 5 is the highlight of the greek system’s year at IU. They all have bike teams and weeks of paired parties, and they’re all super pumped about it. As a former sorority girl, I think it’s safe for me to say that many of them will only claim four or five sober hours during the course of the week. There will be short breaks for food and sleep, but most of the time there will be an almost seamless transition from darty to party. Usually they’ll stay within their respective house groups, but sometimes individuals wander away from the fold. They will be confused. They might cry. They might repeatedly tell you that their friends will pick them up or that they have a pledge ride coming, even though their phone is lost and they have no way of contacting anyone. Man or woman, the best thing to do with lost, blacked-out greeks is to make sure they are not suffering from alcohol poisoning. Perhaps feed them a piece of bread, and point them in the general direction of their house. They will stumble upon another greek soon enough, and together they will find their way home.

THE HOUSE GUEST:

The first few days of this week, many IU students will suddenly receive calls and texts from friends at Purdue and Ball State universities or from people they know from Indy or Chicago or anywhere else within driving distance. Everyone suddenly wants to rekindle the friendship and spend some time together, just like the old days. This weekend happens to be the biggest party weekend of the year? Even better! Non-Hoosiers will want to crash on your couch or your floor and eat your food. They will follow you to parties and try to hook up with your friends. They might clog your toilet, and you might have to bail them out of jail. House guests are wild cards, and they’re a huge commitment. If you’re having someone stay with you, forget about doing things on your own terms. Wherever you go, you’re going to have to OK a plus-one with the host, and you’ll have to constantly make sure your guest isn’t feeling awkward or left out. When they call or text you asking if they can stay, just say no. Say your roommates already have people coming or that you have too much to do. You have friends here who have been perfectly adequate thus far. Don’t burden yourself with someone who might cramp your style, so to speak.

-kelfritz@indiana.edu