Fellas: You're not as good as you think you are

Women of the world, we might finally know what we’ve been doing wrong all this time.

As Esquire writer Chris Jones suggests in his recent piece, “Ladies: You’re Not as Good as You Think,” some of the women he has slept with are bad in bed. Keep in mind that he is also not very good in bed.

Well, speaking on behalf of all of the women in the world, we gladly take responsibility for your sexual shortcomings.

We can explain why our anatomy seems like “the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there.” We were just trying to make you comfortable! We see how much time you spend on the couch, and thought you would want a familiar kind of lover.

When you point out that sometimes we react to your sperm as if it is battery acid, we are just trying to roleplay! What kind of guy doesn’t enjoy a good robot sex fantasy now and again?

Honestly, I don’t really have an explanation for the passage in which you compare our bodies to those of a dead deer strapped to the roof of a car. Maybe you’ve been watching too much Discovery Channel.

In all seriousness, maybe your feeble attempt at humor woven with subtle notes of rampant misogyny really just points to your own crippling sexual insecurities.

Despite extraordinary efforts by publications like Esquire — whose primary goal is to get men laid — poor Chris has had some sexual experiences that leave him disenchanted.

It seems that even though he is a white male writing for a popular publication that is distributed nationwide, he is neither receiving constant sexual pleasure, nor is he entitled to it.

Do you know what entitles you to good sex, Chris? Being good at sex. Wait, actually, nothing entitles you to good sex. Not even if your wiener were so immaculate that angels sang whenever you unzipped your pants would you be entitled to good sex.

Of course everyone has the right to sexual pleasure, but sexstacy can’t be expected with every partner.

The idea of sexual entitlement for a privileged white male is one of the reasons why our culture struggles so much with the ideas of consent, rape myth and sexual inequality.

Perhaps the reason the women you are sleeping with seem so “unenthusiastic, uncomfortable and uncommunicative” is because you created an environment in which your partner feels uncomfortable.

But thank you for pointing out to us that “You’re not a slut if you like sex.”

We’d like to point out to you that one is not “frigid” or a “freak” if he or she does not understand or is uncomfortable with something that a partner is asking them to do.

So here’s to you, Chris. May you continue having underwhelming, mediocre sex for the rest of your days, on the off chance that a woman will sleep with you ever again.