Will Eat for Work

They say, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” I know a good meal is one that raises my heart rate every time I think about taking the first bite.
Maybe that’s just the cholesterol talking.

But a guaranteed good meal is, hands down, the hamburger — grilled and seasoned to perfection.

What goes into the most impressive burger around? I trekked around Bloomington, tasting the most talked-about cheeseburgers, and found a few must-have qualities.

Bub’s Burgers & Ice Cream is known for “The Big Ugly,” a patty weighing in at one pound after it’s cooked. The folks at Bub’s sear the juices into their patties with beautiful crosshatch grill marks.

The key to grill mark success, whether on a coal or gas grill or in a stovetop grill pan, is to imagine the patty is a clock hand pointed at the 10. Divide cooking times for each side of the patty in half. At the halfway mark, rotate the patty, same side down, like it’s moving clockwise to the 2 position. Repeat on the other side.

Upland Brewing Company also has a locally reputable burger, and it truly delivers. Its seasoning is highly impressive, and they really know the difference between raw and cooked flavors.

Here’s a hint: If you think you’ve salted enough, add more. Add a little more after that, then cracked black pepper, then maybe some garlic powder or chopped onion. Then perhaps a little more salt.

Opie Taylors has served the local scene since 1984, offering more than 30 variations on this classic dish.

But no matter how they serve it, Opie’s knows how to keep you eating. The patties are formed thinner and sandwiched into a wide, flat bun, ensuring equal amounts in every bite.

A big enough bun makes for less mess, so you won’t want to stop scarfing for a second. But consider your burger size: Too much bread with ketchup or mustard sticks to the roof of your mouth just as easily as a peanut butter sandwich.

Which brings us to Scholars Inn’s perfectly chosen toppings and condiments.
I sampled burgers with sharp cheddar cheese at each of these joints, but Scholars offered a salty white cheddar I couldn’t pass up. I’m glad I didn’t; it was an unparalleled pairing.

Scholars’ cooks also spread a big helping of creamy signature sauce on, but I’m sure we’ll never know the secret recipe. I suggest mixing Dijon mustard and a giant spoonful of pickle relish — perfectly sweet and tangy.

Condiments should really say something and not simply mask your perfect burgers’ intense flavors, sealed in with caramelized grill marks and a fluffy, lightly toasted bun.

Lettuce — aside from iceberg, which is pure water — packs a subtle crunch, so experiment with colors and flavors. I occasionally substitute mustard greens for actual mustard just for fun.

Tomatoes can get awfully mushy and flavorless around here, and they’re not imperative when using ketchup. Sun-dried tomatoes are also much more exciting.

Have fun with it. Oh, but skip the mayonnaise. It lacks any redeeming qualities.