Will Eat for Work

You know you’ve participated in that heated half-hour debate about the inferiority of ice cream cake. You’ve contested the function and flavor of sprinkles. You’ve definitely argued chocolate versus vanilla, buttercream versus cream cheese frosting.

You, or someone you know, might be suffering from the delusion that cake is not of delicious, divine origin.

I think it’s high time we laid down the basic rules of Cake Club.

The first rule is you don’t talk about cake with your mouth full.

I’m not implying I’m a pristine angel who never, ever speaks while stuffing my face. But with a really great cake comes a really great crumb — basically, an airy, moist interior. You don’t want any of that escaping anytime soon.

If you plan to bake, sift all dry ingredients (flour, cocoa powder, sugar, etc.) with either a sifter or a whisk to ensure a smooth and fluffy crumb.

Also, if you’re consuming colored frosting, no one wants to see rainbow teeth.

The second rule is only two layers or two flavors to a cake.

Cake is so delicate; too much creativity and too many ingredients can ruin the whole experience. Whether you’re buying or baking, keep it simple. Two spongy layers separated by a thin strip of frosting are both manageable and stable. Add more and you’re adding work, time and a hell of a lot more room for error.

Think about combinations. Yes, strawberry and chocolate were made for each other. Of course vanilla and lemon hold hands and skip through fields of daisies. Introducing a third flavor only causes jealousy.

The third rule is no shirts, no shoes ... no problem.

We eat cake no matter the occasion or what anyone is wearing. Wedding cakes taste amazing when you’re in a fitted tux or heels that were never made for dancing.

Cupcakes go down best if you’re not afraid to get a little messy. Cookie cakes are fantastic as you shuffle around in sweatpants.

The best part? Desserts are comfort food. Anywhere, anytime, cake transports you to sugary, mouth-watering goodness.

The fourth rule is we will eat cake as long as we have to. No shame.

Ladies, I know you’ve eaten an entire pan of chocolate-frosted cake while drooling over Ryan Gosling. Or, in my case, you were truly inspired while listening to the newest CAKE album.

Gentlemen, I’m sure you’ve inhaled slices of red velvet or German chocolate like you’ve never lost a bet (or eaten) in your life. Follow up with a huge glass of cold milk, but please, no gallons.

The fifth rule is if the cake is not for you, you HAVE to wait until the birthday guy or gal has taken a bite before you tuck in.

This is an inviolable social norm in my house. We’re so adamant, you’d think cavemen ordained this as law of the land or something. One unwarranted bite and you’ve corrupted the whole cake.

You don’t get invited back for mistakes like that.

The sixth rule is don’t rush a cake.

I’ve assembled many, many cakes, and I consistently screw this up. Even if the crust is a tad warm, your frosting will melt and/or tear the cake apart. Patience is key.

The same applies to bake times. Don’t ever put a strict baking time on a cake, even if it’s a boxed mix. Cake is done when it’s done — either the center springs back when you lightly push on it, or the sides gently pull away from the walls of the pan.

The seventh and final rule is eat cake.