Ginger supremacy

Cryos, the world’s biggest sperm bank located in Denmark, is turning away redhead sperm donors. “There are too many redheads in relation to demand,” said Cryos’ director Ole Schou.

Apparently, single mothers and impotent fathers aren’t interested in having redheaded children. As a redhead myself, I think there are many advantages to the color.

First, everyone thinks you have gorgeous hair. You can barely go anywhere without getting compliments. And it’s not just from the old folks — teachers, your parents’ friends and drunk guys at the bars are all really into the color.

You also have pale skin and have a hard time getting a tan. While some might see this as a disadvantage, I like to point out that back in the day, pale skin was so in. People used to get lead poisoning from trying to get their skins this color.

And the whole easily sunburned problem? It’s great around Halloween. You can be a really authentic-looking lobster and stand out from the crowd with your sweet costume. Having red hair also gives you a great way to show off your smarts and educate people in the process. Whenever people call you a carrot top, you can inform them that carrot tops are green.

You’re also very easy to spot in a crowd. This comes in handy when your friends are trying to find you. It also works great when you’re meeting blind dates or interviews. All you have to do is tell them you’ll be the redhead, and they won’t have any trouble finding you.

Harry Potter is really into redheads. So is Will Schuester.

Redheads get lots of freckles. Freckles are cute, and the brunettes are really jealous of us and our cuteness. Plus, having a lot of freckles hides some less-than-desirable spots you get as a teenager.

School pride is really important at IU. With our red hair and pale skin, we’re always supporting our school, and we don’t even have to buy a T-shirt. The sunscreen companies should be thanking us, too. We keep them in business.

For all the protests about people not wanting redheaded children: everyone wants our color. How many people try to get it from a bottle? I always get asked where I got my hair from. They’re always jealous when I say, “My mom.”

People think redheads have fiery tempers, but that’s not true. However, the reputation gives us an advantage. People are wary about starting an argument with us, so they tread carefully.

Redheads are a force to be reckoned with, but we’re totally worth it. As my redhead sister says, “Every man should have a redhead once in his life. Twice, if he survives.” There are plenty of good reasons to be a redhead. You should ally yourselves with us. When the revolution comes, we’ll be taking over. Ginger supremacy!

­— hanns@indiana.edu