If and when your Little 500 party gets busted...

It’s Saturday night, and 15 people are gathered in your kitchen, cheering on your kneeling roommate and dumping a colorful array of alcohol into a beer bong as he gulps down the resultant intoxicating mash. Some kid you’ve never met is passed out on your couch, and he looks like he might be 12. Your friends have commandeered your bedroom and turned it into a smoking parlor.

Suddenly, “THUD, THUD, THUD!” The cop-knock is a very distinctive knock, and you recognize it instantly. You pause to survey the scene and then bolt out the back door, swift as a gazelle.

Freeze frame. You do not bolt out the back door, swift as a gazelle. You’re drunk, kind of overweight and you’ve been bumming cigarettes since your second drink. Running is the wrong move. Lucky for you, I’ve frozen you here in time, like that movie “Click.” Or maybe like that movie “Stranger Than Fiction.” I don’t know, I never saw either of them. Just stay put while I inject masterful wisdom on how to handtle this situation into your brain. (Like “The Matrix”? This made-up hypothetical situation is getting kind of weird.) Here are your options:

Turn the tables
The cops want to arrest you? Arrest them right back. This is why you should always keep a pair of handcuffs near the door. They will resist at first, but if you play your role forcefully enough, you’ll soon have them convinced that they were the ones blaring Ginuwine’s “Pony” loud enough to have a noise complaint called in by the grad student neighbors. Grad students have no taste in music. That song is the best.

(Indiana Daily Student Legal Team Disclaimer: This would be considered assault on a police officer. Under no circumstances should you follow this advice.)

Camouflage yourself
Take note of your wallpaper. Hopefully it’s some sort of complicated floral print. Quickly dress yourself in a jumpsuit of the same design and hug the wall. The bust will still go down, but you’ll never be noticed.

(IDS Legal Team Disclaimer: Jesus, this is just stupid. Plus, the writer stole the concept from “Garden State.”)

Go to jail
It’s getting late anyway, and your roommate brought that brunette girl with the huge nose up to your bed to hook up. No, not the one in the green top. This girl had her hair in a poof. Who still does that? She was kind of sweaty. That’s gross. You don’t want to sleep up there tonight. There are plenty of beds in jail. Well, kind of. Overcrowding is actually a serious problem in our country’s jails and prisons, so you might have to sleep on the floor, but they still give you a mat. The food is free, too. And a tattoo will only cost you 10 sugar packets and a picture of Miley Cyrus smuggled from the outside. It’s not a sexual thing, the tattoo artist is honestly just a really big fan. He rigged his tattoo gun together with a pen, a sewing needle and the motor from an electric shaver.

(IDS Legal Team Disclaimer: Drew Greaves no longer has any affiliation with the IDS Weekend. He’s fired. We’d actually suggest following this last piece of advice and upon your release, filing a massive seven-figure lawsuit against him.)