Alone with your food for 20 minutes

“You want a baby?” asks a man on his porch, short a few teeth and holding the object in question. “$75!”

Mark Doolen hands him his Hoosier Papa Combo from Papa John’s pizza. The man insists that the offer stands as he puts his signature on the receipt for $12.68 and gives Doolen a $1 tip. Just 74 trips left between Doolen and parenthood.

“There’s no blacklist,” said Doolen, who’s been delivering “Better Ingredients” to Bloomington destinations for five years, “but some places are more desirable than others.”

As he pulls in to Smallwood one Thursday evening between 11 and midnight, a young girl whose sobriety Mark gauges as “low” makes a frantic grasp for the warm, green, aromatic Papa John’s pizza sleeve. A brief tug-of-war ensues, but Mark sticks to his guns. She lets go just before security emerges to quiet the commotion as her friends head out toward the bars.

“We don’t go up their elevator anymore,” Doolen said.

The North Walnut Papa John’s has about 11 drivers, all of who build their own orders and clean up the place at the end of the night.

“If I’m scheduled till midnight, I’m probably leaving at two,” Doolen said, who works 35 to 45 hours every week. He’s had full-time jobs with benefits, but he said they were pay cuts compared to what some drivers refer to as “slinging ’za.”

Doolen said he sees it all: drunk, disorderly, passed out and deaf to his knocking, phone ringing behind the locked door, only to receive an angry call after he’s long gone.

“You can only handle about two to four deliveries at a time,” Doolen said. “So to the guy who tips 32 cents to make $12.68 an even $13 ... come on!”

At 30 cents a tip, Mark would have to make seven deliveries every hour of the day to make his hourly wage equal the Indiana minimum.

Despite pressure to get orders in fast, Doolen said he has a clean driving record and spends $50 a week on gas. There is fresh snow and ice on the roads that night, so Doolen drives his old white sedan extra carefully.

“We’re busiest when the weather is at its worst,” Doolen said. “Usually people recognize that and tip better, but it’s still dangerous.”

Doolen also maintains that your driver has little control over the promptness of your order.

“Could be the kitchen’s backed up, could be the other drivers are skipping it and been skipping it for 45 minutes,” he said. 

The Hoosier Papa combo comes with a medium two-topping pizza, four breadsticks and two drinks and comes to $12.68 after tax. If Doolen brings it, tip well and save your breath; he wouldn’t know the first thing to do with your baby.