Zombies of Bloomington

It’s the one fact of life we all know but are afraid to admit: One day, this world of ours, which we deem so resilient, so permanent, so unfathomably indestructible — one day it will fall to the zombie apocalypse. Deny it if you will, but as you look out upon that ashy, barren nightmarescape of walking corpses, you’ll be wishing you’d prepared.

We are here to help.

Will we share our meticulously packed store of canned goods designed to keep us well fed for up to 22 months? No. Anything from our illegally compiled stash of weaponry? Absolutely not. Our inflatable Bree Olson doll for those cold lonely nights after all the women have been devoured?  Gross, dude, no sharing.

What we can share, though, is our knowledge of the beast. Any fool can figure out that Bloomington will be crawling with hipster zombies, dressed ironically as vampires because ripped clothes and rotting flesh are for the sheeple. Or freshman zombies, willing to walk a mile to get to a really cool feeding frenzy they heard about, then call their parents after binging on man flesh all night to tell them, “I love being a zombie!”

But, as part of my planning for the End of Days, I’ve devised a list of the four Bloomington zombies you’ll need to fear most.

October Diet Girl Zombie
She’s determined to look her best in that naughty Mary Poppins costume come Halloween weekend, and for her that means a 100-calorie pack of Teddy Grahams for lunch and a caesar salad (no dressing) for dinner. Her spartan-like discipline might be reinforced now and then by cigarettes, cocaine and a deep, societally imposed sense of shame about her body that she doesn’t quite understand. All that pent up hunger will make this girl a ferocious deadwalker — all zombies have an insatiable craving for human flesh, but this girl is literally starving.

Dude Who Jogs Shirtless on Campus in the Middle of the Day Zombie
The same self-confidence and uber-aggressive nature that allows him, dripping with sweat, to push past you as you’re walking to class will make him a successful zombie. As the saying goes, hunting man-flesh is 10 percent skill and 90 percent attitude. Plus, his ability to ignore the crowds of people that his jogging route takes him through so he can show off his abs translates directly to an ability to ignore the sunlight that’s melting his skin as he chases you down.

The Kid Who Always Wears his Michael Jackson T-shirt to Parties Zombie
Maybe he deserves your scorn for jumping on the bandwagon the day after the King of Pop’s death, but give the kid credit — he did learn how to moonwalk. And in a post-apocalyptic world devoid of TV and internet, a moonwalking zombie might be the closest thing you get to entertainment.  You’ll be tempted to keep him chained in your basement as a terrifying dancing pet, but don’t be enticed by his electrifying moves. He’s still a zombie and is just as dangerous as the rest.

All-Nighter Library Zombie
If you’ve ever seen a zombie movie, then you know that it’s not the roving hoards that end up getting you — it’s the lone straggler that jumps out from the closet. During his life as a human, All-Nighter Library Zombie could be found hunched over a desk in lonely corners of the fourth floor of the Wells Library. As a zombie, you’ll find him lurking behind a bathroom stall, waiting for you with the same tenacity with which he studied for his accounting midterm.