How to survive a zombie apocalypse ... in Bloomington

It’s 9 a.m. and zombies have already invaded Bloomington. That killed your morning, literally. So grab a baseball bat and follow me, we’re finding somewhere to live.

First, you might think that your dorm or house is the best place to stay. You’d be wrong. Unless you live in a dorm room with at least two exits and cases of nonperishable foods or a house with minimal windows and all the weapons you need, don’t stay where you are. 

You next might think, “Oh, Wal-Mart is a great place to go! It has food and weapons and everything.” No. Wal-Mart, Kmart and countless grocery stores are open spaces with nowhere to hide. They might have the necessities, but 50 zombies running through the front entrance aren’t going to take too long to find you crouching behind the video rack.

Go to the Union.

“You’re crazy!” you might say. “The Union’s so big with so many entrances. You’d never be able to protect yourself.”

But you, my friend, aren’t up to the challenge. The Union is rather large and cumbersome, but with a small group of about eight people, it’s possible to manage.
First, the Union has a surveillance room. Get to it. With one or two people constantly watching the screens, there’s no way zombies can get through without you knowing. I’m not saying don’t block up any and all entrances you can find. Do that, but if the zombies do get by, you’ll know.

Second, it has an eighth floor that you can only get to by taking the elevator up to the seventh, then walking up a flight of stairs. My guess is unless zombies start growing brains back, they won’t know how to use the elevator. The eighth floor also leads to the roof, the ideal spot to attract help.

Third: provisions. The Union has everything from food in eight different restaurants to beds in the hotel. It has clothes in the bookstore and computers (if the Internet is still working) in the lab.

If the Union seems too daunting, go to the mall.

That may sound cliché, but with Target and Dick’s attached to College Mall, going there is a great option.

Regular malls have fast food courts with perishable foods, but Target, with its new fresh produce section, has food that will keep you living longer. And Dick’s will provide you with guns, fishing poles, baseball bats and other weapons that you can stock up on.

But like the Union, get to the surveillance room and limit yourself to one section. Block off as many entrances as you can, take your provisions to one store with a few exits and places to hide and stay there.

If you’d rather be saved and realize army trucks aren’t going to come rolling down Kirkwood Avenue, head to the intersection of SR-37 and the Bypass.

There’s a Hampton Inn on Walnut Street near the intersection where you can stay. It doesn’t offer food, so stock up before you go.

Weapons you need

Lawyers. Guns. Money.

Warren Zevon, who would have been a phenomenal zombie fighter in his own right, had the right idea in case of emergencies. It’s hard to go wrong with that unholy triumvirate at your side.

But in the case of a zombie apocalypse, guns are your best bet because the lawyers (along with their money) will be the first ones chasing you down trying to eat your flesh.

You can fulfill some of your apocalyptic firearm needs at Dick’s and local pawn shops, but here in Bloomington, our second amendment friends are in short supply, so other options must be considered.

Thus, I encourage you to look to Bloomington Hardware and the like as weapon oases during any zombie attack. There you can find any boards, nails, nail guns, hammers and, well, you get the idea. Dick’s supply of baseball bats would also prove fruitful.

When dealing with these kind of short range combat weapons however, one must be careful. Zombies are good at capitalizing on any reach advantage, and all they need is a small bite. They’re also ruthless fighters, since they’re bloodthirsty killers and all that.

But if you’re not fortunate enough to be close to the College Mall area, you’re going to have to get even more creative.

All of the buildings on campus have utility cabinets for the custodians. Use them. A mop might not be much, but the sharpened pole you can fashion it into will do some damage. Aerosol cans are good for temporary blindness or makeshift flamethrowers. Any variety of shovel or gardening tool would also be serviceable in a pinch.

The most important thing to remember when battling zombies is to stay on your toes. You can never be too aware, and you can never be too well-armed. So remember, next time you’re picking out your new desk lamp, make sure to consider its potential utility during a zombie apocalypse.

If you go here, you’ll live

Eigenmann Hall — The residence center has a C-store with nonperishable foods as well as a kitchen. It also has Outdoor Adventures where you can find weapons — bows and arrows and such.

Apartments on Kirkwood — A lot of the apartments above restaurants on Kirkwood have hidden staircases. If you could find an apartment with two exits and a way to get to the roof, you’d be solid.

Fire station — Fire stations have all the necessities plus big fire trucks that you can trick out into massive zombie-killing machines. Block off all the sides of the truck and use the roof or eyeholes to shoot zombies as you go. And feel free to grab some guns from the police station.

If you go here, you’ll die

Kilroy’s — You’ve seen “Shaun of the Dead;” therefore, you know bars aren’t a good place to hideout. There are no weapons, there’s no substantial food and there’s the bro in the corner who’s talking about how he laid some zombie chick the night before. Do not go there.

Ballantine/Wells Library — Both buildings are huge and have numerous places to hide, but they don’t have enough food, weapons or other essentials. Wells would be a better fit, with the cafeteria in the basement and the food kiosk on the first floor, but unless you want to kill zombies with a pile of books, I’d head somewhere else.

A basement — You might think locking yourself down in a basement with a bunch of provisions is a good idea, but you’re putting yourself in an inescapable corner. Basements only have one exit, and zombies can sometimes be smarter than you think, especially if they’re the diseased-ridden ones and not the slow, dead ones.