Frying up a fantastic fourth

Barbecue chicken, corn on the cob, apple pie and lemonade. All Fourth of July staples, they sound like the perfect menu to celebrate America’s independence, right?

You may want to think twice before answering yes and become outed as the liberal, America-hating, socialist masquerading as a U.S. citizen that you probably are.

For one thing, chicken has been hijacked by hippies. Everywhere you turn, chicken is being touted as the low-fat, high-protein healthy alternative to red meat — it’s practically become a health food. In my mind, chicken is one step away from tofu, and we all know tofu turns you gay.

Apple pie sounds like classic American fare, until you realize that the apple originated in Turkey, which is right below Russia (give or take a country). With the recent scandal involving several suburban families being revealed as Russian spies, can we really trust anything with ties to the evil empire?

Don’t even get me started with corn on the cob. If you can’t see the communist symbolism there (all those little kernels working together as equals, even though some are clearly bigger than others!) then maybe you should “geet oout.”

Lemonade? Well I guess lemonade’s still cool, but it hardly makes a meal.

What we need is a new Fourth of July food. One that celebrates America in all her glory. One that doesn’t contain anything European (worse than tofu).  And one that isn’t made with any nut products (they make my throat swell up). Luckily, I’m here to offer a solution: America Cake.

Ingredients:

One birthday cake (what do I look like, Rachel Ray? I don’t know how to make cake. Just buy one at Costco.)
Bottle rockets
30 case, PBR
Pictures of your party guests in clown makeup

1. Drink PBR. Nothing says America like drinking red, white and blue beer made right here in the U.S. of A. Plus, you’re going to have to be drunk before you take on step two.

2. Shoot the bottle rockets out of the cake until you run out. Yeah! Kaboom! Happy birthday America!

3. Note any party guests who disagree with your method of fireworks launching using the Fourth of July entree. Hang up pictures of said guests in clown makeup, implying that they are equal to Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker in “The Dark Knight.” That’ll show ‘em.

4. Continue with PBR. Eat cake.

There you have it, a real Fourth of July meal that’s sure to let everyone know you’re an American Patriot!