Worthy of the ‘Worst Movie Ever’ title

If there’s anything more agonizing than sitting through “The Room,” it’s listening to Director Tommy Wiseau — who is obviously the most delusional man on the planet — “answer” questions for 45 minutes from a group of people who have traveled as far as Florida to give him a hug. Listen to him for five minutes, and you’ll understand how this scatterbrain imagined dialogue like, “I definitely have breast cancer.”

“The Room” is about Johnny (Wiseau), a man coping with the pain of knowing that his fiancee is cheating on him with his best friend Mark. It’s a plot line that gets tired amazingly fast. Watch 10 minutes of it and it’ll feel as though you’ve watched it a dozen times. There are four nearly identical sex scenes that last five minutes each. There are roughly six instances of Wiseau throwing around a football with the other cast members. Johnny’s future wife, Lisa, says again and again that she doesn’t love him. Time seems to stand still as characters mention throughout the film that Johnny and Lisa’s wedding is only a month away. Three-fourths of the action takes place in a single set that doesn’t make structural sense.

But remarkably, the film stays fresh in each 10-minute interval. Characters come and go with no introduction and no explanation as to why they don’t show up again. In one moment, Johnny’s adopted son Denny is threatened by a drug dealer, and the next, he’s confessing his love for his foster mother to his foster father. A friend of Lisa’s has sex in the apartment, but this is before we learn that she is Lisa’s friend. A psychologist gives Johnny advice on his love life, and he’s last seen tripping while playing football in a tuxedo. And you can bet that Lisa’s mother is definitely not dying from breast cancer.

I figured the best way to describe my experience of “The Room”  was to list exactly what happened. I don’t need to describe the acting, the writing, the filler atmospheric shots or the symbolic use of spoons, because by now you’ve figured out that this is the greatest movie ever made.