Olympic unintentional comedy

With the Winter Olympics just a week away, one of the only times to be overtly patriotic in an obnoxious way is upon us. But for all the pride both Olympic Games fill us with, they are also major suppliers of unintentional comedy. While you’re watching over the next few weeks, watch out for these events, most of which will occur more than once.

1. The announcers talk about curling as if it were the most difficult feat ever accomplished in the world: Listen, curling is probably the most entertaining winter game, but that is mostly because it is ridiculous that people get to represent their country by “playing” it. That and the brushers are just cool. BUT, the announcing teams always make it sound like curlers are athletes. Stop with that.

2. You’re watching pairs ice skating and unsure which athlete is the male and which is the female: The bodies are svelte and toned, usually there’s a number of short haircuts and gender-bending outfits. It’s all apart of the sport, but after a while, the lines blur. Don’t be the one to make the wrong call on a skater’s attractiveness. Trust me.

3. You find out the results of something online and then NBC tape-delay airs it 16 hours later in prime-time: I would have loved to be in the boardroom when NBC decided that the best way to drum up interest for sports nobody cares about is to show “important” events after they have already happened. There’s no better way to motivate me to watch, I’ll tell you that.

4. Biathlon: Cross-country skiing and rifle shooting. Seriously, that’s a sanctioned game by the Olympic Committee. It would be better if every games, they mixed up the two sports. In 2014, I’d love to see a 5K mixed with paintball. Or why not the skeleton combined with a spelling bee?

5. NBC airs a promo for “Friday Night Lights”: Oh wait, it won’t, because NBC is full of heartless bastards. This is less funny in a “haha” way and more funny in “I will bang my head against the wall” way.

6. Athletes from countries you’ve never heard of become your favorites for reasons other than their prowess: Maybe the alpine skier from Macdeonia has a funny facial expression he does to pump himself up or the Armenian cross country skiing ladies remind you of Borat if he were a woman. In any event, you’re sold on someone you never would be and you get a few laughs out of it along the way.

7. The “mascots” are shown: Did you know that the official mascots of the Winter Games are Miga, a mythical sea bear that is part orca and part kermode bear and Quatchi, a sasquatch, who wears boots and earmuffs? Need I say more?

8. The coverage reaches for cultural, social or geopolitical connections that just aren’t there: We started with the announcers, let’s end with them. Though we all recognize winning a medal is a source of pride for countries under dire straights, sometimes they take it too far. When we start hearing how great it is that the Australian luge rider is doing great despite the overwhelming heat during summer months, it’s gone on enough.

But like all of these, at least it’s funny. And most of the time during the Winter Olympics, you’ll need humor to get you through.