Why I’m just not that into HJNTIY anymore

Allow me to indulge my Carrie Bradshaw side.

I might or might not have purchased copies of the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” to give to some of my girlfriends last Christmas.

I now realize that was wrong, and I am sorry. 

When I happened upon Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo’s self-proclaimed “No excuses truth to understanding guys,” its simplicity spoke to me.

I had heard all of the arguments against it. I knew that it was gendered – after all, there wasn’t a “She’s Just Not That Into You.” I understood that on some level it reduced women to silly, emotional, woefully oblivious fools.

Still, I read it. I internalized it. Then I bought it for others.

And I’m not the only one. Millions of you bought it, too. The film version grossed $178,404,614 worldwide, including $93,953,653 in the U.S.,  and the book was a New York Times Best Seller.

Clearly, the advice resonated with a lot of us.

The book struck a chord with so many of us, because – like almost every 20-something guy and girl I know – we had all suffered through the confusing and agonizing experience of being ignored by someone we thought we cared about. So when Greg and Liz offered to boil all that confusion down into one catchy six-word phrase, we took the bait.

The problem with all this common-sense advice is that it lets us off the hook for not communicating. What Greg and Liz and their catchphrase are arguing is that not communicating something says something – namely he/she is not interested.
This logic becomes more dangerous when used in the reverse.

Heck, if communicating was this easy why would any of us ever bother to call anyone and give them a formal rejection? If simply not doing anything communicates the same thing, why would anyone ever go through the awkward and painful experience of hurting someone you cared about, if only slightly?

Not to mention that assuming that every small oversight is an explicit slight can cause even more confusion. If we are all supposed to assume rejection at the first un-returned phone call or declined invitation, we don’t leave a whole lot of room for nuance.

Newsweek’s Ramin Setoodeh once called HJNTIY dating advice a la George W. Bush – the you’re-either-with-us-or-you’re-against-us answer to ambiguous dating engagements. In the past I might have taken him to task. Now I mostly agree.
“He’s Just Not That Into You” misses the mark when it comes to the real root of dating frustration.

A good old lack of communication is behind all of the woes that Greg and Liz try and unravel, but unfortunately what they prescribe is more of the same – that is, not communicating.