A rational fear of beards

When I grow up, I’ll make sure my children fear bearded men. Not that there’s anything wrong with bearded men. In fact, I’d like to be one someday. It’s just that I, like every other responsible parent, will want my kids to be on the constant lookout for strangers who might do them harm.

And everyone knows bearded men are up to no good.

I know not all people with beards are bad. It’s true, Bob Ross had one. But he’s the exception. Ted Kaczynski, the BTK strangler, and Osama bin Laden are each notorious beard wearers. All evidence considered, the connection between facial hair and criminal activity is obvious.

I want to be open and honest with my children, giving them specific people, objects and organizations to fear. No vague references to “strangers” for me. What good does that ill-defined, all-encompassing term do, anyway?

If I succeed, anyone with a beard, dirty mustache, dark sunglasses, leather coat, lost dog or acid wash jeans will be utterly distrusted by my kids. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Parents used to be frank with their kids. But now, I wonder if it hasn’t all been lost to left-wing multiculturalism and tolerance.

I say, anyone who grows a beard wants to be stereotyped. That applies to men or women; I don’t discriminate.

In 1987, HBO aired a television special titled, “How to Raise a Street Smart Child,” in which they asked kids to define stranger. Look at these exemplary responses. “A stranger looks mean and ugly.” So true. “A stranger is like a punk rocker that drinks beer all day and sits around in a vacant lot.” Impressive! This response shows a nuanced understanding of stranger food and behavior preferences.

But this answer takes the cake: “A stranger sometimes wears a hat ... and is a guy with a beard.” Bingo! I wonder if today’s kids would be so wise?

Probably not. Today’s parents probably know that 93 percent of child sexual assault perpetrators are known by their victims. They probably realize that it is more likely that a child will suffer a heart attack than be kidnapped.

They probably act on these facts, failing to instill a healthy degree of paranoia into their children.

And that’s a shame!

Because scared children become scared adults – adults who cross the street when they see a suspicious-looking homeless man ahead, or who hit the automatic lock button when a bearded man passes on the sidewalk. We need more of these proactive citizens.

We need grown-ups who understand that the panhandler is most likely a belligerent alcoholic who’d spend the dollar they’d give him on booze. In a climate where Americans toss out 40 percent of their food, we can’t afford to waste anymore of it on shifty individuals who wouldn’t even help themselves if they could.

Naive optimism cannot stand. All beards and bums must be suspect.

Or, could it be that the real stranger danger is never getting close enough to see they’re people?