TV Surveillance

With Halloween almost upon us, many of us will be looking for any sort of media that could scare us half to death. But instead of dipping into the DVD collection for your copy of “Let the Right One In” or heading out to see “Paranormal Activity,” stay in and watch television. There are a number of programs this week that will deliver the scares – because they are so bad. I will not suggest a division between live watching and DVR’ing, as 20 minutes of these programs will have you covering your eyes.

SHOW: “Heroes”
EPISODE: “Strange Attractors”
WHEN: 8 p.m. Monday on NBC

“Heroes” jokes usually come fast and furious in this space, but mocking has given way to ambivalence this season. Well, until now. The program is just as poorly written, horribly acted and terribly paced as it has ever been, and do not let some deranged fanboy tell you differently. Most of the plotlines this season either don’t make a whole lot of sense (the whole Sylar-is-Nathan thing) or are ripped straight from other sources (Hiro’s bucket list, the traveling circus), which means it’s just like any other season of this atrocity. Of course NBC wouldn’t cancel it.

SHOW: “Brothers”
EPISODE: “Mike’s Comeback”
WHEN: 8 p.m. Friday on FOX

I think we all knew giving former NFL’er Michael Strahan his own sitcom was a horrible idea, but it’s even worse than imagined. It might not reach “According to Jim” levels of unfunny, but it’s damn close. Strahan and his on-screen brother Daryl “Chill” Mitchell have absolutely no chemistry, the plotlines blatantly follow sitcom-by-the-numbers frames and, unsurprisingly, Strahan is horrendous. HORRENDOUS!

SHOW: “The Forgotten”
EPISODE: “Canine John”
WHEN: 10 p.m. Tuesday on ABC

Christian Slater’s second straight dramatic flop (along with last year’s “My Own Worst Enemy”) is much like “Brothers” in the sense that there is absolutely nothing original about the way its stories are told. Sure, “The Forgotten” features regular citizens solving crimes instead of police officers or crime scene investigators, but it follows procedural archetypes to the T and is simply boring. I would say more, but I cannot remember anything else about the program – aptly titled, I guess.

SHOW: “Gary Unmarried”
EPISODE: “Gary Tries to Do It All”
WHEN: 8:30 p.m. Wednesday on CBS

Wait, “Gary Unmarried” is still on? Jay Mohr has never been funny, and putting him through the CBS old-people-friendly filter, he’s even unfunnier. Get it? Unfunnier is like unmarried. If you think that joke was bad, I dare you to watch this.

Rant of the week

After an extremely uneven and at times, unfunny (see, I did it again) third season, “30 Rock” returned last week with a solid effort, which is hopefully a sign of many good things to come. Though the season four premiere was propped up by the great chemistry between Alec Baldwin and Jack McBrayer and one funny Tracy Morgan scene, the B story with Liz was awful and Jane Krakowski’s Jenna is still as annoying as she was in the pilot.

However, after a slew of guest stars and an attempt to cram more one-liners into 22 minutes than any show ever has before bogged down season three (and really the second half of season two as well), the focus on the economy and the state of NBC is a welcome sort of return to form. If the writers are willing to let characters other than Jack or Liz develop while staying on-point with the somewhat serialized story of the company’s downfall during this economy, things should improve for what used to be the best comedy on television.