TV Surveillance

Our upfront analysis continues with the CW, the network I always refer to as short for “constantly worthless.”

The CW brass sucks. The decisions made by head honcho Dawn Ostroff are constant reminders of how not to run a major television network, depending on your view of demographic targeting and branding.

For me, targeting all your programming toward one small niche market is smart on the surface. At this point, the CW is never going to be that successful in terms of competition with the other big networks, so it might as well act like a cable network targeting a certain demographic.

But the thing is, the media and critics are still going to think of the CW as a major network because all the money is coming from big players. So acting like a small cable outlet with major network capital should lead to big things – but it doesn’t for the CW as it continues to target young girls.

New shows

The CW has three new shows on the fall schedule, each of which is hard to decipher from the next. As noted, the network is going for tween girls, and I guess the CW assumes that group likes to watch the same thing happen, just with slightly different-looking actors. If you loved “Gossip Girl,” you will love “The Beautiful Life,” according to the CW. If you loved the “90210” remake, you’ll be obsessed with the “Melrose Place” remake. And if you liked “Twilight,” you will go nutty for “Vampire Diaries.”

Who told them that these were good ideas?

“The Beautiful Life” follows young models who try to make their way through the treacherous fashion world while attempting to remain friends. What a mind-blowing premise! The program stars Mischa Barton, who is trying to get her career back on track after drinking her way off the cast of “The O.C.” a few years back. The problem for both her and us is that she can’t act.

Meanwhile, “Vampire Diaries” is clearly an attempt to cash in on the “Twilight” craze, with two vampires fighting over one young high school girl. Fine, I can respect the cash grab – even if the book series the show is based on came out before “Twilight” – but the two male stars, Ian Somerhalder and Paul Wesley, are too old to be playing men going after a teenager – even if they are immortal.

The “Melrose” remake will undoubtedly suck, just like the “90210” reboot did. Ashley Simpson-Wentz is a main cast member of the show; that probably tells you enough about its quality.

Old shows

The big shocker is “Smallville” moving to Fridays. On the surface, this seems like one of the dumbest ideas ever. The show, entering year nine, is the network’s highest-rated program and has created a nice Thursday night when teamed with “Supernatural” since early 2006. Moving your highest-rated show to Fridays, the previously known network wasteland, seems VERY dumb.

However, the CW has proven time and time again it doesn’t care about “Smallville,” or “Supernatural” either, really. The budget has reportedly been slashed dramatically throughout the past few seasons, and there is little promotion. Yet the network just expects the show’s fans to continue to come out.

The CW even hired “Smallville’s” best writers to run the “Melrose Place” reboot. The program does not fit the demographic, is on its last leg and can still give the CW better Friday ratings than any show it had on there the past few years.

Moreover, if it is to be believed that both “Smallville” and “Supernatural” are entering their final years (something I refuse to believe because the CW does not have a good enough development program to bring in two solid replacements), then it makes sense to put “Vampire Diaries” on Thursdays to slowly attempt to build new shows. And because “Vampire” and “Supernatural” connect slightly, I can buy that. I just don’t want to see “Smallville” and “Supernatural” come back in 2010-11 after being mistreated for four years.

Final analysis

It’s hard to take the CW seriously. Most of its choices are dumb and too targeted at young girls that I just can’t understand it. At the rate it’s going, by 2011 we’ll see a “Dawson’s Creek” reboot, an “O.C.” re-imagining and a show about teenage strippers trying to find their way in the world.