Tips for coping with the recession

While the class of 2009 will be united in its collective struggle to find work after graduation, many forget that times of turmoil bring about times of great opportunity as well.

When I tell people that my post-collegiate plans involve taking improv classes in Chicago and “waiting some tables, I guess,” I hear a lot more enthusiasm than I would normally expect. Why? Because I always make a point to throw in the now-ubiquitous buzz word of the new year: “the ECONOMY.” 

Cue screams and screeching tires. 

The point is, a vast number of strange and potentially risky endeavors are now acceptable answers to post-collegiate life thanks to ... wait, what exactly was it that happened to our economy?

Moving on.

While it’s true that the graduating class of 2009 will have an extremely hard time finding work after graduation, that doesn’t mean we can’t do great, innovating and inspiring things with our lives for the next few turbulent years. And, readers, you don’t all need to follow my lead next year and smoke crack outside a Red Line CTA stop, claiming that it’s acceptable because “John Belushi did it.”

No, do as I say, not as I do. Below are some legitimate and admirable recommendations for the soon-to-be graduates out there.

Graduate school: Feel absolutely free to take out more loans and get that master’s degree in East African literature you’ve always wanted. Your debt will be nonexistent in a few years anyway, as President Obama is going to turn everything bad in America into gold and jewels and sunshine. And hey, waiting out the recession with some dusty hardback books, elaborate latte concoctions, tweed jackets with elbow patches, unkempt hair and other grad student accoutrements (Dockers) is a pretty good plan. 

File bankruptcy: My father, Robert C. Perry, Attorney at Law, can be reached at 765-653-8833. His bankruptcy law office is located in the downtown square of Greencastle, Ind.

Summer camp: It’s what you did when you were a tween/teenager before you worked, and it was generally considered acceptable by your peers, wasn’t it? Think of some summer camps you want to go to and just have at it! And, come to think of it, learning archery might not be such a bad idea if things continue to go downhill. Hey guys, didn’t Will Smith use a bow and arrow of some sort in “I Am Legend”? See? There you go.

Go on an adventure: Take after Mr. Jack Kerouac himself or that dude from “Into the Wild” and leave this conformist, money-driven world behind. That’s right: Rather than cope with the situation, escape it. Just make sure you don’t eat any of those onions (spoiler alert!). 

Oscar Buzz: Can we talk about this since the column is straying this way anyway? Have you guys seen “Benjamin Button” yet?! What about “Milk”? I kind of think “WALL-E” is going to get a nod for best picture, but I mean, it obviously won’t win because it’s animated.

Get old, and fast: Speaking of Benjamin Button, he was doing something right. Just find a way to get old right now and take up my Social Security money! Please! I want you to have it. The rest of America wants you to have their money, too. Our elders’ lives are important, and they contribute a lot to this country and to our daily lives, you guys. I swear. (JK.)

Write a best-selling novel: Sure, why not?

Sometimes bagel places give out stale bagels for free at the end of the day. I mean, if you’re hungry and broke, think about it, I guess.

Get a makeover: Feeling good makes a big difference! Take yourself out to the local mall and treat yourself! Bring your girls. Bring your mom. She gave birth to you, after all. Don’t you think she deserves a special day?  

Invent something: Always worth doing. Hey, hey! Chin up, I believe in you! Come on; you can do anything you set your mind to. You know that, right? You’re a unique, special person and anyone who doesn’t know that doesn’t deserve your time! OK?

Readers, I sincerely hope that my words have helped you all, and done a little to ease your minds in these troubled times. Just remember, together we made it through the Britney Spears scandal – Hey, remember that?! – and by George, we’ll make it through this.