Worst of Bloomington

Be honest: You don’t even read most of the reviews in this magazine that get an “A.” Unless you like the band or the movie has generated a lot of buzz, you skip right over it.

But if you’re like me, you can remember your favorite “F” review in WEEKEND.

Bloomington has a lot worth celebrating, and that’s what our annual “Best of Bloomington” edition is here for. But our goal here at WEEKEND is also to be a service to our community, and we feel we’d be doing you a disservice if we didn’t also tell you what to avoid.

So, without further ado, here is what you really want to read – the annual “Worst of Bloomington” report:

Worst on-campus celebrity: Karen Hanson

After shooting to stardom in 2007 upon taking the University’s most useless bureaucratic position, Provost Karen Hanson has continued to charm the student body with her apparent uselessness and utter lack of ability to construct a grammatical sentence.

Worst campus organization: IU Parking Operations

If you’re wondering why you still need to pay tuition, you’re not alone.

Worst Restaurant: Video Saloon

You know those $35 Hot Pockets must be spectacular, though.

Worst Place to Eat with Parents: Kilroy’s on Kirkwood

Because your mom’s not hot enough to get service.

Worst Place to Volunteer: Barack Obama campaign

God bless ’em, but during campaign season these guys called me more than my actual friends. The only other group on campus this intrusive is the IU Telefund.

Worst Bartender: Anyone who makes jungle juice

Known by every intelligent person in Bloomington as “rape juice,” the only morons who consume this potion are freshman-ish girls who exclaim, “It tastes just like Kool-Aid!” Half-clothed barely legals yelling and vomiting might sound like a good way to get your party started, but by the time they’ve passed out they’ve killed everyone else’s buzz too.

Worst Bar: Applebee’s

Kilroy’s on Kirkwood gets a bad rap for only being a place to pick up ass and hear the same soundtrack-to-your-life songs over and over. But after taking home Jim the semi-successful ad exec whose wife comes after you with her best kitchen knife, you’ll be longing for the comfort of a slutty, tongue-happy frat boy.

Worst Place to Eat and Watch the Game: Dunn Meadow

When you heard about the enigmatic “Gaelic Hurling Club,” you figured you’d grab some Pizza Hut from the Indiana Memorial Union and sit down to watch the spectacle. But it won’t take you until your inevitable disappointment with the worst commercialized Italian in town sets in to realize this phenomenon consists of two people – on a good day – throwing a ball.

Worst Pizza: IMU Pizza Hut

Has anyone else noticed this pizza tastes like apple juice?

Worst Place to Get Coffee: Wherever that loud woman in the Union is working

If you’ve ever sat in the IMU longer than 10 minutes, you’ve heard her say it at 90 decibels: “HI, WELCOME TO STARBUCKS, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?” At least, it used to be only Starbucks, but she seems to have also migrated to Burger King and elsewhere since. I admire her work ethic, but I can hear her from a room away during lunch hours.

Worst Band: Anyone who calls their one-man guitar-and-vocals act a ‘band’

They play at almost any house show in Bloomington, often in that elusive genre known as “anti-folk,” which from what I gather means singing out of tune with an out-of-tune guitar, warbling on with cute nonsense or some vague political mantra. But, to be fair, they’re some of the nicest guys in Bloomington, and you can’t beat the free booze they often offer up.

Worst ethnic restaurant: Panda Express

In an attempt to increase the diversity of Bloomington that would make IU administrators proud, some realtors filled in the old Jiffy Treet with an establishment famous for its presence worldwide in ... airports. Couldn’t they have at least tried to put something cooler on Kirkwood?
 
Worst place to live off campus: Smallwood Plaza

I realize the place is pretty nice, but I can’t tell you how many people I ran into on Halloween dressed as “a Smallwood resident.” Do Smallwoodians not realize how many people are mocking them, or do they just not understand why?

Well, that’s it. I hope this list satisfies your yearly appetite for local-culture ragging.  Keep your distance from anything on this list, and you’ll have a killer time in Bloomington.