Alternative voting style

Did you know there is a presidential election coming up Tuesday?

I just found out about it when this old lady called me to tell me I should vote for some Nader guy.

That explains all those damn commercials I fast forward through when I watch my DVR’d episodes of “Yes, Dear” every day.

I decided I should look into this election thing. I figured it is kind of a big deal. But how do I make such an important decision?

Well, I came up with an idea on how to evaluate the potential candidates in a fair, objective way, unlike the people who rant on the opinion page of this paper – you know, the ones who think they know what they are talking about and feel people actually want to read their opinion on politics and environmental stuff. I know you don’t really care about my rants, especially on politics. Rather, you rip open the IDS every Thursday to find this column merely for entertainment purposes.

So as I divulge this alternative idea on how to vote, I understand none of you will actually go out Tuesday and use this method.

For purposes of this study, I will only speak about the presidential and vice presidential nominations of the two major parties. Also, this column does not endorse either candidate. However, this column does endorse Mike Abrams for president in 2040.

Without further ado, here is how I, as a national sports columnist, would evaluate the candidates.

Instead of voting for the candidate, find the person they look like in a sports movie and vote on that character’s characteristics.

Let’s start on the Democratic side.

Barack Obama looks like Jerry “Rev” Harris from “Remember the Titans.” Rev is the starting quarterback who breaks a bone in his wrist but proceeds to run for the winning touchdown in the state title game. Rev is the quiet leader who has the confidence to lead a team during tough times.

Joe Biden looks like coach Jack Reilly from “The Mighty Ducks.” Reilly is all about winning and winning big. He isn’t afraid to take a cheap shot to do what it takes to get the victory. He has only lost two Peewee District 9 titles in his time coaching and both are because of Gordon Bombay.

On the Republican side, we stay with the same movie. John McCain looks like Hans, the all-knowing old guy who mentors Bombay through thick and thin. He is a prankster who always fakes cutting his finger on the skate sharpener. And, most importantly, he lives all the way until the third movie.

And last, but certainly not least, we have Sarah Palin. Though the parallels are limited to appearance only, she looks like Miss Davis from “Varsity Blues.” Miss Davis is the sex-ed teacher by day, stripper by night, who represents an American woman struggling to make a living.

Using this formula, you have a decision to make. Would you rather have a quiet leader paired with a win-at-all-costs coach, or would you rather have an all-knowing old guy paired with a stripper-teacher?

The choice is yours.

I’m Mike Abrams, and I approve this message.