The worst movie of the year

After an entire summer of boozed-and-drugged-up partying, I’m sure at least 5 percent of my brain cells have been lost forever. Now, “Disaster Movie” has stolen another 5 percent. So thanks, Jason Freidberg and Aaron Seltzer – it’s your fault I’m not going to pass the LSAT this spring.

Since this is the eighth incarnation of Freidberg and Seltzer’s spoof-movie brainchild, there’s not much to detail in terms of plot points, but here goes. After some sort of earthshaking disaster hits a generic big American city, Will (Matt Lanter) teams up with his friends Calvin (G. Thang), Lisa (Kim Kardashian) and Juney (Christa Flanagan) to save his girlfriend Amy (Vanessa Minnillo), who has wandered off to the Museum of Natural History. As they roam through the city, disaster strikes again and again.

Now, I know some of you will be tempted by the promise of a Spandex-eriffic smackdown between Kardashian and Carmen Electra (who plays the “Beautiful Assassin”), but I’m warning you, don’t do it.

Just pull those Playboys out from underneath your mattress and stay in this weekend. Even the articles in lad mags are more cleverly written than the exploding pile of filth (literally) that is “Disaster Movie.”

Every situation is saturated with idiocy; it’s incomprehensible how grown men think up these “jokes,” let alone laugh at them. The gross-out and slapstick humor drags from one scene to the next, with no respite. A maniacal cackle from Nicole Parker’s “Enchanted Princess” barely roused me from the daydream that I retreated into to save myself from further brain deterioration.

Even the preview for “Max Payne” was better than the main feature. Anyone who pays to see this massive cum shot of a movie must thoroughly enjoy mental flagellation.

Kids, if you feel like losing a good portion of your brain mass, just do drugs. Tripping out to the patterns that Chinese dragons make on the insides of your eyelids is much more amusing than “Disaster Movie” could ever be.