Practical patriotism

The last few days have brought with them an onslaught of criticism directed towards both Sens. Barack Obama, D-Ill., and John McCain, R-Ariz., regarding their level of patriotism. Retired general and former Democratic presidential candidate Wesley K. Clark suggested Sunday that McCain wasn’t adequately tested as a wartime commander. Obama has been generating heat over his background, religion and lack of American flag lapel pin. \nIn general, both men seem to be getting the same message: They need to be more patriotic. As “change” is the official slogan of Election 2008, I must suggest that both candidates do some changing of their own in order to make this apparent necessity a reality.\nSen. McCain needs to know that it really does not matter whether the extent of his military service ended when he stopped playing with his G.I. Joes. What does matter is whether he has a yellow “Support Our Troops” ribbon magnet affixed to the back of his car. They are absolutely the pinnacle of American patriotism, and I hate to think about what it means if he doesn’t have one. I also can’t neglect to mention that his car had better be an SUV. “Going green” may be popular out in the hippy coastal states, but real Americans drive big cars – they signify our freedom, as do our country’s vast open spaces and amber waves of grain.\nWith regard to Obama, several weeks ago he began wearing an American flag pin on his lapel after receiving criticism about his lack of one. This was a good move on Obama’s part, as an American flag pin is a very patriotic accessory for a suit. However, the question hangs in the air: Why is he wearing a suit in the first place? Real Americans wear Charlie Daniels’ Band tank tops, and I must wonder where his is. \nIf we really want to get down to it, it would be most effective for Obama to combine his tank top with a farmer’s tan to achieve the highest level of American-ness. I realize that, because of his skin tone, this may be too much to ask of Sen. Obama but, on the other hand, anything is possible in America. Amen.\nFinally, if either of these men have any honest hopes of winning the election, they need to work on their word choice. During a speech given by Obama in Independence, Missouri on Monday, he spoke about his love for America: “It is what propelled me into public service, it is why I am running for president.” \nReally? Three “p’s” in one sentence? Where I come from, alliteration is for the filthy, stinkin’ Brits and has no place in our great nation. \n“I know that Gen. Clark’s comment is not an isolated incident,” said McCain of the criticism about his military history. “Comment?” Last I checked, Americans do not “comment.” We shoot the shit, and it would serve McCain well to remember that. \nThere’s more I have to say, but the race is on, and my beer’s getting warm. God bless America, and God bless Dale Earnhardt.