Guide to the county fair

It’s July in Indiana, and that can only mean one thing: County fair season is upon us! No matter which Indiana county you call home, it is important that you heed certain behavioral “musts” in order to enjoy your fair fully. Almost all of us will share a very similar experience which will unite us with our brothers and sisters across the state the way television does when it isn’t July and people don’t have to eat fried things in order to have fun.

Take note of my tips, and I guarantee that you will get the ultimate Indiana county-fair experience.

First, it is imperative that you take complete and full advantage of the “free stuff tent.” I believe that this portion of the fair has a real name, something involving the term “merchants,” but I have never known it as anything besides the place for me to collect all my school supplies for the upcoming year. I suggest that you take the same attitude. Never feel guilty about taking magnets, pencils, fly swatters or anything else you can convince someone to give you. This is a good lesson to remember for life in general.  
Next, for ultimate fair enjoyment, it is necessary that you get a boyfriend or girlfriend “for fair week” and then abandon them the second the last hog leaves the fairgrounds. Hold hands a lot, win tacky prizes, enjoy your time together and then pretend you don’t know them anymore after the week is over. It is a fair-week tradition in small towns across Indiana. And even if you’re married, please don’t turn your back on tradition. Thank you.

Purchasing an entire hog at an auction is another must. A freezer full of bloody meat is something every Hoosier needs to own at least once in their lifetime.

Next, get a pedicure. It is important to look and feel your best when attending the county fair, as it is one of the more culturally infused summertime events of many Indiana counties.

Oh, and by “pedicure” I mean wearing Wal-Mart flip-flops and walking through a barn with a dirt floor.

Finally, an experience that everyone should have at the county fair, if they haven’t already, is walking around in circles for an hour and a half because you lost your parents somewhere and your older sister is too cool to break from her friends to help you find them so an older boy throws a rock at your head and your glasses fall off and you run home and cry to your cat that you wish you could move back to Indianapolis.
Please, gentle reader, follow my plan and your time at the county fair, and your life in general, can be as pleasant and anxiety-free as mine has been.