Adopt a senior

While at a movie theater Monday afternoon my friend Nate said something that, I feel, speaks volumes about the current Social Security crisis and our generation’s role in it. When we had arrived, he held the door for a senior citizen and afterward remarked to me that, “If you ever want me to do something, just get an old person to ask for you.”
Nate, like many, is a sucker for sweet old people.

While it is an extremely hot issue in the upcoming election, members of our generation are well-aware that we aren’t going to be seeing Social Security checks in our lifetimes. What we will see are herds of Boomers running around bragging about how “young at heart” they are while cashing in on our earnings. But no checks for us.
I think that within Nate’s statement lies a real and viable solution to the Social Security problem, one that government advisors and Washington think-tankers have been unable to solve. The answer, my friends, is to Christian Children’s Fund this bitch.
Rather than finding a way to ensure that we get back what we give (which, if I haven’t made myself clear, is never going to happen) the government should concentrate its efforts on making giving more palatable to us. Rather than continuing to throw our money into the vast black hole that is the current Social Security budget, let us sponsor just one loving senior citizen who desperately needs our help.

With the job market as it is, things are probably going to get pretty dicey if our generation is forced to shell out thousands of dollars to a nameless, faceless Social Security fund in our doubtlessly low-paying post-collegiate jobs. If it gets to a point where we are working 40-hour weeks and still eating Ramen for every meal, we’re going to want to know where our Social Security money is going. And we might freak out about it. And we’ve all got ADD, so it won’t be pretty.

But providing us with such essentials as a photo of a senior with protruding ribs and handwritten thank-you letters will guarantee that we will gladly sign those checks. A list of favorite activities, subjects studied, books read and jobs held while part of the contributing class would also help personalize Social Security and make giving easier.
And, you know, establishing a relationship with our sponsored seniors could brighten our lives a little, too. I for one know that my grandmother doesn’t knit me things or send me baked goods. Perhaps the recipient of 6.2 percent of all my wages would be so inclined?

I also wouldn’t argue with an offer to use my sponsored senior’s condo in Florida for a week or two over spring break.

Forget the Republicans’ idea of privatizing Social Security. Forget the Democrats’ plan to ignore it until it blows up. Personalize it, and everyone wins.

However, liver-spotted and hairy-eared seniors might want to start saving. As with starving children and puppies at the animal shelter, sponsorship will have to be determined by cuteness.