10,000 I hate about this movie

This seems familiar. That was the thought running through my head as I watched “10,000 B.C.” Not exactly the reaction a film tries to get from its audience, but nevertheless, there it was. It took a little while to figure out, but I finally realized why: this isn’t “10,000 B.C.,” this is “Diet ‘Apocalypto,’ Now with Splenda!”  Switch out jaguars for giant ostriches and saber-toothed tigers, realistic looking depictions of foreign culture for hairy, slightly dirty white guys, and a meaningful, gripping plot for a watered-down story we’ve all seen before, and then you have “10,000 B.C.” Don’t even get me started on the bad caveman accents.
   
The story (what there was) is about a hunter-gatherer named D’Leh who must save his woman and the rest of his people from the horse-riding slavers who come and capture them. The slaves are taken to a massive pyramid to help construct it, and D’Leh must unite the various tribes he comes across to free the slaves. Cue the massive battle scene. The end.
   
This movie was boring, with a few moments of slightly interesting action and graphics that failed to redeem it. It seemed as if the audience was supposed to be impressed by the historically inaccurate CGI animals, but they never appeared real enough to ever present a threat to the cast members they were attacking.
   
The film had many head-scratching moments about the historical accuracy of a movie that gave you a clearly labeled time period in the title. Moments like: Did they ride horses in 10,000 B.C.? Did they have giant pyramids in 10,000 B.C.? Did they actually have a concept of romantic love, or did you just hit your bride on the head and drag her back to your hut in 10,000 B.C.? By simply changing the title to “? B.C.,” it probably would have been a better film. OK, not that much better.
   
Well surely this big-budget, special-effects movie is packed with special features to redeem it, right? Wrong. The DVD has an alternate ending and some additional scenes, and I have to ask myself who wants to see the crap that wasn’t good enough to make it into this terrible film.
   
To sum up: It’s a depressing, confusing, boring mess from beginning to end. Skip it.