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Thursday, March 28
The Indiana Daily Student

An existential equine

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”\nLaughter explodes from other pub patrons as the horse pulls up a stool. The bartender puts a mint julep down next to her on the bar. \nShockingly, the filly neighs back at the bartender in perfect English and says, “My woeful life is going to be over by age three.”\nStunned by hearing words come out of an animal’s mouth, the bartender takes the underage horse’s drink away from her and leans in closely, offering her an ear.\n“Tell me about it,” he says.\n“I never knew my father. Humans helped knock up my mom. I came out bastardized in a broken home, where trainers and onlookers gawked at me as I ran through fields with the greatest of ease. From birth, I was fed and groomed by people, for people. I serve no purpose to my Equus caballus species. I eat, sleep and breathe for men and women who sit around all day drinking and throwing down money on where they think I’m going to finish in a race. It’s a miserable existence.”\nThe bartender dumps out a wooden bowl of beer nuts and fills it up with oats. He fills up a glass of water and extends the horse an olive branch of food and drink.\n“Oh, I recognize you!” the bartender says. “You’re Suzy Spitfire. I put 10 down on a trifecta with you, Ramblin’ Roger and Cadillac Jack. When you came around the home stretch in sixth place I thought you were done! And whattaya know, you passed three other hacks to come in third for me and my wallet! Best $260 I ever won. Where have you been this past year?”\nDejected, the horse looks back at the bartender and slams her water down onto the marble surface. As oats spill, she yells back at the man in disgust.\n“See what I mean! Do you hear yourself? I’m over here, watching my life fade away and all you can do is talk about how much money I made for you. Now, I’m losing weight to shed precious time on the track and I’m pretty sure if I get injured again I’m going to find my way into an Elmer’s container in some kindergartner’s art box.\n“Just look what happened to Eight Belles last week at the Kentucky Derby! She had an incredible run separating herself from the pack and coming in second in the first leg of the Triple Crown. On her victory lap, she shattered both of her ankles and had to be euthanized on the spot in front of 165,000 people and millions of viewers on NBC. I don’t want that to happen to me.”\nThe bartender, red-faced, swipes the spilled oats into the trash can as other barflies filter out.\n“My life boils down to this,” the horse says. “I’m born, I run and I become glue sooner or later. Whatever happened to green pastures and a clean stable? The Rolling Stones song ‘Wild Horses’ is a bunch of B.S.”\n“So you ask me why the long face. The answer is obvious – I’m bred to last a mile and a quarter; not 30 years.”

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