Serving up Serbs

Christmas is more than consumerism. It is a time to remind ourselves of the idiosyncrasies of our families. My family, for example, holds the record for most screwy, a distinction that was reiterated this past season. No matter their quirkiness, however, I realize every year not only how fond I am of these Croatians, but that I’m bound to inherit some of their undesirable traits. \nOne trait I’m scared about inheriting is my mom’s use of traveler’s checks, which she instituted with annoying perfection this Christmas in Ohio. She has an idea that such checks are necessary whenever traveling outside a 100-mile radius of home. She fails to realize that traveler’s checks are as useful as Reagan’s economic policy. But that didn’t stop her from using the checks to buy cheap reading glasses, the logical first stop after a plane ride. Companies that offer the checks do so only for my mom, probably as a cruel joke toward me.\nHere’s another reason I love my family members: They are insane.\nThis year’s trip had the goal of reuniting with the extended family. As they say, the more things change, the more they remain the same. The aunts still cook too much food, and the cousins still display a subtle yet disturbing racial prejudice worthy of West Side Story. Despite the awkwardness of responding to my cousin that no, I do not think “rag head” is an appropriate description of Muslims, it was comforting to see the extended family. They may have some of their graces backward (once again, cousin, I don’t think you should say “spic,”) but I’m most tantalized by my family members’ inability to understand my eating habits. Indeed, telling them I was to marry a Hispanic person or that I was gay would have been awkward, but nothing could compare with this year’s bombshell: I don’t eat meat.\nNormally people respond to this revelation with forced interest. “Why? Is it a health thing or are you a PETA member?” Neither.\nMy family, however, has staked out darker territory. They are good Croatians who excel at devouring meat. Lamb, beef, Serbians, Bosnians and perhaps, an Albanian. If it’s fleshy, the Croats love it, usually with sauerkraut. That’s why revealing that I do not eat meat yielded the collective family response: What’s wrong with you?\nIt was at this point that I identified another family trait: irrational thought. It seems they’d be happier with me being gay just so long as the sausage still went into my mouth as well as my ... well, you get the picture.\nDespite my family’s aversion to my eating habits, insistence on traveler’s checks and inappropriate racial remarks, this was a Christmas of positive memories. My family may be irrational and in need of cultural sensitivity, but what family isn’t? It’s scary to think about, but I’ll probably end up similar to them, perhaps using traveler’s checks in the future. Old traditions die hard, after all, and I’d rather use traveler’s checks than eat some pork or a damn, dirty Serbian.\nOld traditions die hard.