Schmesolutions

Each year the most popular New Year’s resolution is to lose weight, but seeing how America is increasingly obese, it is clear that resolutions are not the way to go. I want (and need) to lose weight, but by labeling my goal under the title of “resolution,” I am essentially dooming myself. So instead, starting this week, my 2008 schmesolution to lose weight will take effect. \nAt 5-foot-2, I am considered petite. However, I am by no means skinny. Genetics left me with Beyonce hips, which are a blessing for attracting men, but a tragedy when shopping for jeans. After 15 years of soccer, my lower half far succeeded my top half in size. But after five semesters of college, both halves are equally flabby. I don’t really know how it happened. The Freshman Five led to the Sophomore 15, which then lead to more than 25 pounds. I attribute the not-so-gradual gain to part-time jobs leaving no time for exercise, and my close proximity to Mother Bear’s. \nMy clothes don’t fit right anymore and my energy level is nearly nothing. I used to be able to run five miles for fun, but I now pant up the stairs on my way to take a nap. I didn’t realize just how bad it had become until my weight was not-so-subtly pointed out by relatives this past holiday season. I’m completely revitalizing my life and losing weight the old-fashioned way: diet and exercise. There are three large obstacles I must overcome in order for this to occur. \n1. I am completely out-of-shape. I take yoga classes here and there, maybe do the elliptical once a month, but what used to be toned thunder thighs are now jiggly logs. \n2. I don’t eat green things. I hate vegetables and have since I before I could talk. I thought that I would grow out of it, but I gag every time I try to swallow a green bean or broccoli. I don’t even eat salad unless it’s doused in dressing, cheese and/or chicken. \n3. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. No, not that kind. Basically, my system takes about four days to digest a meal, so my stomach is constantly hurting. IBS is perpetuated by chocolate, caffeine, high-fat foods, alcohol and stress. All of my vices. \nI can’t combat these barriers alone, so I am instead setting up a meeting with a nutritionist and employing a personal trainer for the semester. This column is not some “Cosmopolitan” before-and-after crap. I’m a real person trying to get healthy in a world fueled by free pizza and cheap beer. This is incentive for me to get my act together, because I’m going to need all the discipline I can get. For now, I’m going to cherish the flavor of my last supper (Mother Bear’s), because starting soon, I’m getting healthy.