Baby vomit politics

There’s a myth abounding in our education system that goes something like this: If you work hard enough and set your goals high enough, you can achieve anything. \nLike many children, I was introduced to this myth at an early age, say, third grade. \n“That’s right, Scott, you can grow up to be the President of the United States.”\n“Oh boy! What do I need to do?”\n“Work hard. Oh, and it might help to have fifty million dollars.”\n“I’ll check my piggy bank.”\nAs it turns out, the piggy bank didn’t contain the necessary funds for a presidential campaign, but I did have enough for a comic book. \nIt was clear from that point forward that my presidential aspirations were nothing but a pie-in-the-sky dream. That’s why I was so shocked when someone recently suggested I run for president. (Let’s discount that whole Constitutional “legal” mumbo-jumbo about being at least 35 years old.) Here’s how the conversation unfolded:\nMe to reflection: “Hey, good lookin’.” \nReflection: “Hey, sexy pants.”\nMe to reflection: “You should run for president.”\nReflection: “Really? I don’t think I’m qualified.”\nMe to reflection: “Sure you are. Can you kiss a baby? Wave to a crowd? Advocate change? That’s all you need.”\nIn reality, those characteristics are the basis of what someone needs to mount a successful candidacy. Well, those and a belief in Jesus Christ as the savior of the universe. Non-Christians apparently need not apply.\nSince I’m Catholic, which I’m told has something to do with this Jesus fellow, it follows that I, like Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards, am a viable choice to lead this country into four (or eight) more years of mediocrity. And like our current commander in chief, I have an abundance of strategery at my disposal that will allow me to secure the most powerful office in the world.\nConsider my qualifications:\nBaby kissing – I have a young niece, who, at one time, was considered a baby. My uncle duties have in the past required me to kiss this bundle of joy on her chubby cheeks. Her reaction of promptly vomiting on me is evidence of my ability to elicit thoughtful responses from voters. It is also a reflection of how most women react to my affection.\nWaving to crowds – After a clever scheme to make the entire school sympathetic to my plight, I was elected Miss (Mr.) Grand Coulee, Washington and made to ride on a float, thus representing the town in parades. As a result, I have superior waving skills. I also have a sparkly dress that would work perfectly for my inaugural ball.\nAdvocating change – Much like Barack Obama’s campaign slogan purports, my candidacy also represents “Change we can believe in.” I, however, being the product of a “correct use of prepositions” education, advocate “Change in which we can believe.” \nBased on these qualifications, I hope that I can depend on your vote, and, of course, the use of your piggy banks.