Gay Old Party?

To paraphrase comedian Dave Attell, once in a while it’s appropriate to thank those people you often make fun of, just because they’ve provided so many good laughs. In this vein, therefore, please accept the following open thank you letter to America’s favorite value-laden and traditional family-defending political party: the GOP.\nDear GOP/Republicans/Elephants/God-fearing Christians:\nI write to you today to extend my profound thanks for your continuing and unwavering ability to send me into uncontrollable fits of hysterical laughter. Indeed, just as you are the party of small government, fiscal constraint and family values, so too are you the true kings (and queens) of comedy. From the bottom of my God-less, secular, liberal heart, a profound and hearty thanks to you. In fact, if you did not realize, several of your members, both elected officials and notable personalities alike, have, in the past, provided unmatched fodder for this humble column. Allow me to single out, and therefore thank, a few such individuals:\nThank you, Mark Foley, ex-Congressman from Florida. Your solicitation of an underage male Congressional page was a laugh riot. The voters of Florida were right to elect you, such a fine model of your party’s platform. \nThank you, Larry Craig, Senator from Idaho. Because of your alleged sexual solicitation of an undercover male police officer, the bathroom in which your act occurred has become an attraction for me, a perverse Mecca, if you will. Also, thank you for your guilty plea to the charge, subsequent resignation from Congress, and then retraction of both your guilty plea and resignation. Yes, you truly are a jokester, and my smile appreciates your efforts. \nThank you, Ted Haggard, former pastor of a Colorado evangelical Christian church. Due to your commitment to male prostitutes, claiming yourself gay, then seeking treatment for and curing of your “gayness,” I feel as if I’ve been revitalized with humor. \nAlthough the aforementioned individuals have made great contributions to the topics of this column in the past, others in the Republican Party, previously unmentioned in this forum, deserve special recognition here and now:\nThank you, Jim West, ex-Washington State legislator and ex-Mayor of Spokane, Wash. Your ability to adamantly oppose gay rights legislation but then subsequently leave office after news of your gay sex scandal is truly remarkable. \nAnd last, but certainly not least, thank you most of all, Richard Curtis, recently-resigned Washington State legislator. With your ability to oppose gay rights legislation, but then dress in lingerie and solicit a male prostitute, you have upheld years of valor and honor that others in your party have previously established. On Oct. 26, as you took a prostitute to your hotel, paid him for sex and then denied everything as pure extortion, you emblazoned a new and courageous path for others in your party. You also gave me quite a chuckle. \nIn closing, GOP, keep up the good work. Your humor is appreciated – and welcomed – as we prepare for elections next year. Based on your uncanny ability to entertain, let’s hope the voters make the right decision.