Disinherit this

Those blessed two weeks before fall classes are almost here, just in time for a final summer road trip or a stint in rehab. In case I don’t return from my own adventures on the eastern seaboard (will whatever’s in New Jersey kill me?), it’s my duty to pump you full of totally defensible libel like a doctor pumping a B-list actress full of collagen. This is an especially important task after the dizzying number of reports recently that involve celebrities and their beloved illegal activities. \nThe trials and tribulations of unearned wealth only continue for our weary Hero Hilton. Paris reportedly lost her $60 million inheritance from her grandfather for doing something along the lines of “tarnishing the family name,” possibly due in part to June’s jail visit and her raccoon-eyed sex tape a few years ago. I hate when old people act like they were never young and made sex ... scrolls?\nBut Paris is tourist hell in the summer, so I have my fingers on the shallow pulses of other barely productive celebrities (as in their hearts are failing from an eating disorder masquerading as a macrobiotic diet), particularly the pretty ones who enjoy life’s simple pleasures, such as lines of coke.\nLindsay Lohan, a stalwart rehab veteran, is possibly uninsurable after felony drug charges amidst her already pending DUI. For those of you who have never made a major motion picture (the one you play out in your head set to music as pretentious as that of “Garden State” doesn’t count), actors are insured against causing delays in production, which can cost companies oodles. Companies, then, tend for some wild reason not to employ actors with minor blow habits. \nMy dear Lindsay might have to resort to peddling narcotics herself if this proves true. I have to question her drug-dealing abilities, though. I’m inclined to think “Parent Trap” ruined her street cred.\nNicole Richie, the former best friend of our Paris and necromancer (you do know she’s a zombie, right?), is slated for a four-day appearance in the clink for her own foray in driving whilst plastered. The poor thing, who somehow has gotten pregnant (thank the Dark Arts), has to pay for her own jail stay. It’s a true slap in the face for everyone scraping by with a dad named Lionel. Rumors are floating around that Nicole will soon complete her transformation into a banshee and the unholy bun in her oven will reign supreme.\nLindsay and Nicole unfortunately forced men with codeine and other predilections almost out of the news. Pete Doherty, the scrawny poet who dated Kate Moss (her secret: freebasing every other week for that trademark glower), checked out of rehab while Al Gore III pleaded guilty after being caught with a Raoul Duke-sized pharmacy and a pinch of pot while maxing out his Prius. \nSo beware of withdrawal and remember the real news: Paris and heiress aren’t interchangeable anymore. Humanity weeps. And in the solemn words of Jean-Paul Sartre: Beyond Paris Hilton, there is nothing.