San Quentin Hilton

If you’ve been conscious the past six years, you probably hate Paris Hilton. In fact, you so despise her and her ornament of a Chihuahua, you were thrilled to see her sentenced to jail time, regardless of the crime.\nBut then our hopes were scattered to the wind like Lindsay Lohan’s cocaine stash: Last week she was released on house arrest! Oh the humanity!\nThe trial was a perfect opportunity for the system to prove it doesn’t favor celebrity, nor bows to race, gender, and class. When Paris was released early, it seemed certain society was doomed, as we forever make excuses for the over-privileged and pretty. The system did not hesitate to execute Stanley Williams, the founder of the Crips, who reformed and wrote numerous pieces of anti-gang literature and for that, earned a nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize. Yet Debra LaFave, the attractive teacher who slept with a minor, was too pretty to survive the “hell hole” of prison and was given house arrest.\nAn heiress who has contributed nothing to society but an unimpressive sex tape, Paris certainly deserved to be shoved into a hole, not for her actual crime but as comeuppance for the time we’ve spent fixated on her hair extensions and feud with Nicole Richie. \nThis hole I speak of is a special one; one that has been spoken of in hushed tones by my mother whenever my brother or I seemed to be failing at self-sufficiency. This is what she would say: “You’re in the hole, (Bum Child). You’re in a hole so deep I can’t reach you. There is no ladder in this hole. No rope. You have to crawl out of it, by yourself, dirt falling into your eyes, embedded in your nails. And when you finally get out people will see the dirt on your shoes and know you’ve been in the hole.”\nParis Hilton? In the hole.\nMy mother’s extended metaphors for failure aside, there are other factors in this situation: It’s not uncommon for nonviolent criminals to serve only 10 percent of their sentence due to overcrowding; but more importantly, America loathes Paris so intensely, every scrawny part of her, she may have actually been overly prosecuted.\nThis is not to say I didn’t feel the deep satisfaction only spurred by the comparatively minimal suffering of such a useless, extravagant human being. Yet Paris, in perhaps her first self-aware moment ever, said she hopes the media “will focus on more important things, like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places around the world.”\nWe are, indeed, doomed when Paris Hilton says something insightful.