Don't Go!

Tomorrow, after 8,229 of you get your degrees in the two ceremonies at Assembly Hall, most of you will pack up (if you haven’t already) and leave Bloomington – scattering off to the four corners of the world and an unknown future.\nBut do you have to? I mean, couldn’t you stick around for a little while longer? What’s the big rush?\nIt’s great that you’re so excited about finding a job, having grand adventures and changing the world. One day you will get married, move to the suburbs, and have 2.3 kids. That’s all fine, I guess. But ask yourself this: When’s the next time you’ll play flippy cup or ‘sink the biz’? When will you walk through the Arboretum on a misty morning, or listen to a hellfire-and-brimstone sermon behind Woodburn? Before you know it, painting your body crimson and cream won’t be so appealing, and a 2 a.m. hot dog on Kirkwood won’t be so appetizing. When will you hear a lecture just because it sounds interesting (or because the professor has a nice butt)? Be honest, have you ever gotten lucky in the stacks of a world-class research library or did you hear about the experience from your roommate’s cousin’s friend who claimed to know a guy who did?\nDo you think CEOs or Nobel Prize-winners get to dye their hair blue whenever they want? OK, they probably do – but you understand our point. The real world is overrated. Stay here with us.\nA bunch of you are already saying: “But I have to get a job so I can pay off my student loans!” Pfft. Here’s the thing about debt: when you owe a lender $100, you’re in their pocket – but when you owe them $100,000, they’re in yours. And what would be a better way to rack up more than $100,000 of debt than pay an extra decade’s worth of tuition? The university gets more money, the state of Indiana gets a more educated workforce and you get to hang out with us – it’s a win-win-win situation. Only the student loan companies lose, and nobody likes them. It might do something funny to the economy, but who understands economics anyway?\nBesides, somebody has to school the incoming freshmen on the ways of IU. The current juniors/soon-to-be seniors could probably do a good job of this, but they don’t have your experience – they’ve had less opportunity to work out the best times to hit the Wright Place food court, for example, or find the cheapest haircut in town. These are important, complex skills that can only be sufficiently developed after, say, seven to eight years of college. And here you’re leaving just when you were getting good at this stuff!\nWhat’s that? No, this is not merely an excuse to keep you here just because we’re going to miss all of you. We would never do something so devious ... Not us!\nNot to our dearest graduating seniors, readers and friends.