Buying upperclassmen

This August, you’ll say good-bye to your high school circle and be thrust into a world where you will have few or no friends. But don’t worry; thousands of freshmen will be having the same problem as you, and in no time you’ll have a gang of newbies with whom you’ll be wreaking havoc with in the dorm lounges. \nEventually, though, the appeal of dorm floor events will wear off when you and your crew get tired of listening to that omnipresent guy on your floor who never shuts up because he has lots of “important” things to say (Warning: Despite this character’s seeming dysfunction, he is more powerful than he appears. He is capable of shape-shifting and is enrolled in every philosophy class at IU).\nBy this point, it will be your first Monday here.\nFortunately, the solution to your problem lies straight ahead. You’ll be about to head off to your first classes, where you will have the chance to mix with upperclassmen.\nMost of these people live in apartments, houses, fraternities and sororities. If not, they have plenty of friends who do. Not only can they get you out of the dorms, they will take you to all the places in Bloomington you’ll want to be. \nBut first, you have to make friends with them.\nUpperclassmen are a bit more difficult to befriend than freshmen. They already have a group of friends, and having endured their own pretentious floormate experiences, they won’t need you like you’ll need them. But as long as you’re aware of your secret weapon, you’ll be fine. Two words: meal points.\nYou can say whatever you want in your first-day conversations with upperclassmen, utilizing Woody Allen-level wit or “Hi, I’m majoring in Grass Growth,” but chances are they’ll see you as another freshman in a lecture class who introduces themselves on the first day and never talks to them again. \nIf, however, you conclude your monologue on fescue by saying, “Would you like to eat lunch with me? I have meal points,” they will suddenly believe you are the most fascinating person they have ever met. \nAs a freshman, you will have an excessive number of meal points, no matter which plan you choose. Unless you regularly consume between 3,000 and 7,000 pounds of food a day, you’ll have plenty to share.\nUpperclassmen have come to the sad realization that the food in grocery stores they moved off campus for, sold at reasonable prices someone in their right mind would pay, can’t compare to your wealth of money-less “meal points” just waiting to be exploited.\nYou sharing your meal points also means they don’t have to cook (microwave), they can replace their diet of Ramen and Quaker Instant Oatmeal with foods of recognizable nutritional value and they can make a new friend. For you, it will mean a free pass to the best Bloomington has to offer.\nSo when you’re low on weekend activities and high on meal points, remember – friends in high places are easy to buy.