Trustee gerbil

Last Friday, like most days, was completely normal and predictable. Colts talk dominated every local news station, Iraqis were much better off without Saddam, and the IU board of trustees praised a plan to outsource University operations without so much as a fart.\nAs you and your mother-in-law have heard, there has been some controversy surrounding the potential privatization of certain IU Motor Pool resources. Take, for example, this conversation with my mother-in-law:\nM-I-L: Hey, Scott. What's with this outsourcing thing at IU?\nMe: I don't know. It has something to do with saving money.\nM-I-L: Capitalist jerks. You coming over for dinner? I'm making meatloaf.\nMe: Yeah, I suppose.\nAll right, so the outsourcing plan isn't that terrible. (The meatloaf, however, is.)\nThe fact that the trustees were so accepting of outsourcing isn't too surprising. Privatizing public services is a hot trend, and is generally seen as positive. Trustee Sue Talbot had this to say about the plan: "I applaud this. You've brought the right kind of thing to Indiana University. I hope many people lose their jobs."\nOK, so that last sentence was made up. The trustees don't want anything negative to affect the families of IU students and employees. This is precisely why the board is preparing to unveil a plan to privatize even more services and positions. Fortunately, as a member of the communist press, I've been granted access to the board's forthcoming plans. Disclaimer: The accuracy of this information is highly suspect or downright false.\n• The IU Bookstore: Instead of students and other professional staff selling us overpriced books and office supplies, the stores will now be operated by Borders. This is generally seen as a good move for students. Oversize padded chairs will furnish the oncampus stores, as well as many new selections. A section named "Gay and Lesbian Interest" will be added, conveniently across from the "Current Affairs" books. This will allow curious browsers to quickly pretend to be looking at political books when other people walk by. I, for one, plan to spend a lot of time looking at gay erotica -- er -- Bill O'Reilly's book.\n• IDS columnist Scott Leadingham: Every week, you, dear students and friends, are forced to read the mindless and inflammatory drivel of this humble commentator. Well, no more. Beginning soon, "The Leading Edge" column will be written by a robot -- one made to look like Bill O'Reilly. Certainly, there will be nothing mindless or inflammatory coming from the O'Reilly robot. \n• The board of trustees: Rather than appointing members by a democratic and public process, board members will be replaced by pet-store gerbils that squeak and nod their approval at every policy brought forth by the president. Unfortunately, undergraduates will still have no say in the search for the new president. Gerbils, like human trustees, abhor undergraduates.\nThese are merely a sample of the services on the administration's outsourcing agenda. Other candidates include campus food service. Let's hope the job doesn't go to my mother-in-law. Her meatloaf sucks.