Freud was right all along

We, as humans, are extremely indecisive.\nExhibit A: The Rev. Ted Haggard. Married with five children, Haggard was the pastor of an evangelical Colorado megachurch. For three years he allegedly engaged in "sexually immoral" actions with a male prostitute. There were also various claims of drug use. Now, after three weeks of "treatment," Haggard has announced that he's been cured of his delicious male cravings. Hurray! He's completely heterosexual. Haggard will leave ministry behind and pursue a master's degree in psychology. No joke.\nCome on, Ted, make up your mind. Are you straight, gay or a psychologist? You can't be all three. More importantly: Does this logic equate psychology with bisexualism? Perhaps. More important than this: Is it too late for me to switch majors? Those psychology girls, and guys, are spicy! \nExhibit B: Me. I can never make a decision and run with it. For example: my career paths. First it was garbage collector, then lawyer, followed by FBI agent, hypocritical evangelical Christian pastor, music teacher and now this watered-down academic poppycock. Can anyone even tell me what public affairs is all about? It's not sex, that's for sure.\nWell, no more. From here on I'm standing firm. I've made a decision, and it's being seen through until completion. I will be the next president of IU.\nLoyal readers of this column (which include my mother, Colin Dugdale and IU President Adam Herbert) will remember several previous instances in which I asserted my case to be the next president of IU. As you're aware, the Presidential Search Committee, chaired by trustee Sue Talbot, recently wrapped up its first round of interviews. A report has gone to the board of trustees, who will make the final decision regarding the new president.\nFor some strange reason, the search committee took a liking to me. Their conversation with me, while brief, solidified my belief that I, like Herbert, will soon be enforcing frivolous smoking policies at IU. Take, for example, my recent interview:\nMe: Thank you for having me today. I'm honored to be in the presence of such wise people, none of which represent the Bloomington students.\nChairwoman Talbot: Um, you're welcome. Now that you've served us lunch, you can leave. Please close the door on the way out. Oh, bring me more coffee.\nShort? Yes. Flattering? Maybe. What's certain on my end is that there was some definite positive energy going on, which may have been nothing more than the large amount of pacemakers in the room.\nThey always say, however, that you should follow up on an interview. So I called Talbot at her house, just to make it more personal:\nMe: Hi, Sue! Great talking with you the other day.\nTalbot: Who are you? Stop calling or I'm getting the police!\nYou see, the search process is supposed to be secret. She was just being coy and playing along.\nStudents, faculty and outsourced workers: I'm ready to take on this new responsibility. If not, I know a guy versed in psychology who's looking for a new job.