Fat babies with wings

It was Feb. 14. I was 16 years old. I sat in a cafeteria decorated with pink and red crepe paper streamers. As high school students awkwardly danced to the Sugar Hill Gang's "Rapper's Delight" I picked up shiny sequins shaped like Cupids and stuck them into the flame of a candle's romantic mood lighting until their bodies shriveled and produced a pungent black smoke that made my lungs hurt.\nI was celebrating a holiday devoted to ambiguous social values, Whitman's Sampler chocolates and fat babies with wings. And I'm not talking about Flag Day here. \nMost people seem annoyed on Feb. 14 -- annoyed that being single is being rubbed in their faces or annoyed that they feel obligated to celebrate a manufactured holiday with magnetic kissing bears. How did we end up with these customs of giving flowers and gluing heart-shaped doilies? The following is a historical analysis of our Valentine's Day roots based purely on blind speculation.\nThe beginning of Valentine's Day might be traced back to ancient Roman times when the markets were stocked with V-Day merchandise many months in advance of the holiday to ward off evil spirits.\nWhile we're on the subject of ancient Rome, let's revisit fat babies. In Roman mythology the winged god Cupid (known to the Greeks as Carl) liked to spread love around like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter on a toasted English muffin. He is often portrayed as an armed baby, ready to shoot you with his love arrows.\nThe idea that Cupid is actually the missing evolutionary link between babies and birds remains unexplored. An entire race of Cupids could have potentially served as secret weapons in times of war. Releasing an entire airborne fleet of arrow-shooting babies at the exact strategic moment could make or break your battle. At the very least they could create a free online dating service.\nLove first became associated with Valentine's Day through the medical community. The slew of chocolates, roses and the power of love on Feb. 14 was used as an experimental treatment for smallpox. Many people died.\nHow did Valentine's Day become such a huge card-giving holiday?\nIn the 20th century, greeting card companies were losing their footing. The greeting card industry is the bedrock of the American economy. The unemployment lines were filled with greeting card writers. Little Timmy couldn't eat dinner that night because Daddy's poems just weren't quite clever enough. People started buying Valentine's Day cards -- not for love -- but as an act of patriotism to keep our country afloat and to feed little Timmy.\nOf course, Al Capone taught us that the best way to celebrate Valentine's Day is with gang warfare. The Valentine's Day Massacre of 1929 went down in Chicago when Bugs Moran refused to be Capone's valentine. Seven members of Moran's gang were killed. The original valentine that Capone sent to Moran had the following poem written in glitter glue:\n"This bootleg whiskey sure is good. Please don't sell it in my 'hood. This territory is mine. All mine. Will you be my valentine"