The end of the news world

People, we've got a problem.\nThe signs are everywhere.\nLast Monday, Sen. John Warner, R-Va., said he opposes the addition of 21,500 more U.S. troops in Iraq and helped pass a non-binding resolution that included this chilling statement: "The Senate disagrees with the 'plan' to augment our forces by 21,500, and urges the President instead to consider all options and alternatives for achieving the strategic goals ... with reduced force levels than proposed." \nOn Wednesday, the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations formally opposed the president's plan for escalation -- I mean, "surge" -- I mean, "augmentation."\nMost recently, a Globescan international poll found 73 percent of those surveyed around the world disapproved of America's handling of the war. \nAll this adds up to one terrifying conclusion: Pretty soon, we're not going to have anything to report on. Sure, we might get another 18 months or so out of this conflict, and then we can always coast along on the 2008 elections for a few months. But after that, the jig is up. We in the media have to think long term.\nThose of us who make a living by broadcasting the misery and suffering of others to millions of viewers are in big trouble.\nPretty soon, we'll be back to reporting on promiscuous interns and celebrity murder scandals. We'll look back on "the glory days," when CNN's John Roberts monitored every grisly detail during "This Week at War." Every once in a while, we can do an "anniversary spread," where we recycle stock AP photos and look back on "the deadliest Tuesday of February 2006."\nBasically, it's time to start panicking. Unless a serial arsonist starts setting petting zoos ablaze, the 24-hour news networks are screwed. It's too late for them. Save yourselves! \nWe need a plan.\nWhat haven't we done in a while? Alligator attacks? No, we just did that. What we need is a good doomsday prophecy, something we can count down to. Remember the Y2K virus? Something like that.\nHey, I know -- Betelgeuse! You know that pretty, harmless little speck on the Orion constellation in the winter skies? That's right, it's plotting to kill you. Scientists predict the feisty, red supergiant will go supernova some time in the next 1,000 years -- some time. It could be tomorrow. It could happen during the Super Bowl. \nIf the star blows up with its axis angled at Earth, it will unleash a blast of gamma rays that could tear up the ozone layer, with serious adverse effects on your timeshare. Here's your headline: "Betelgeuse attacks: Are you prepared?" Better stock up on sunscreen. I'm picturing a "Countdown to Extinction" ticker next to Wolf Blitzer.\nOf course, some "experts" (nutcases) insist we won't witness a Betelgeuse supernova for millions of years. So maybe we shouldn't bank on that. Oh well, keep it on the back burner. \nIn the meantime, we should pray for scandal. Let's hope we get some cute interns lined up for the White House in 2009.