Bibles and bras

Just when all seemed right with the world -- Republicans working with Democrats, Sunnis loving Shiites -- the creationists had to go and screw everything up.\nCreationists, if you've never had the circus-like pleasure of meeting one, come in varying shapes and sizes, kind of like bras (however, a 36 double D-creationist is a force not to be reckoned with). The unifying characteristic (and gross stereotype used here) of these brassiere-like humans is a completely literal interpretation of the Bible -- and a mutual hatred of Al Gore. \nLast week the school board of Federal Way, Wash., overturned its temporary moratorium on Al Gore's global warming documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth." The original moratorium was instituted upon the complaint of at least one parent -- a creationist -- who believes the film to be biased. The parent also believes the Earth is 14,000 years old, ironically the same amount of time that parent's head has been wedged up his a … er … the collection plate. \nHowever, the more you think about the really logical and fact-based opinion of the creationist, the more it makes sense. A simple difference of translation is what separates the creationist from the rest of humanity.\nJust yesterday a group of flamboyant bandits, also known as "archeologists," discovered a new translation of the Bible under Al Gore's bed. The Bed Pee Scrolls, as they're known, provide a religious basis for global warming. Some of the opening section:\n"In the beginning God created the heavens, the Earth and unfortunately, Purdue University. The university was a formless wasteland, and darkness was made to boil all over the Earth. Then God said, 'Let there be Democrats,' and there was formed a group of small asses who tried nobly to save the Earth from the impending destruction. \nAnd soon darkness engulfed all, including the Democrats, who remained vigilant in keeping the darkness from impeding forever.\nThen God said, 'Let there be combustible engines, carbon emissions and the Exxon Valdez.' And so it happened. But the Democrats knew not how to use these items, and God was displeased and created Republicans to burn Exxon's oil."\nNow, I'll be the first one to admit this new translation has its flaws, but that's no reason to completely cast it off as trash -- it's not a Kevin Federline album, for God's sake. \nSome of you might be skeptical of this new biblical discovery, but you'll just have to place some trust in it. Remember, Al Gore created the Internet, and you can trust everything you find there.\nThere's certainly nothing wrong with having conviction or faith. But serious problems ensue when that conviction begins to fly in the face of logic. The aforementioned creationist parent had this criticism of Gore's movie: "The Bible says that in the end times everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD." \nSounds crazy, right?\nBut then again, Kevin Federline made a CD, and someone actually bought it. Creationism isn't sounding so bad after all, as long as those CDs get burned up with everything else. \nLet the gnashing of teeth begin.