Scary library

Because it's Halloween, we would like to frighten you with tales of the freak show we call the library.\nYears ago, a trip to the library meant we would be receiving some sort of compensation -- a coupon, crappy toy or T-shirt -- for reading the most recent installment of the "Goosebumps" series. The only thing scarier than the books themselves were the three lone hairs growing from the largest mole in history, located on the librarian's chin. \nThe frequency of our visits to the library began to decline dramatically once we discovered a shortcut to reading: waiting for each book to be packaged into a 30-minute TV episode, cutting down the time and effort required. But while we have since reacquainted ourselves with such masterpieces as "The Blob That Ate Everyone" ("Goosebumps No. 55"), our disdain for libraries remains.\nAfter our initial "Goosebumps" phase passed, the library seemed to represent authority, whether it was in the form of our parents, our teachers, George Lopez or the government commanding us to visit. We tried fighting back against the authority in any way possible, including attempting to disprove Ray Bradbury's claim that 451 degrees is indeed the temperature at which books burn. However, as fourth graders, we found it difficult to achieve temperatures higher than about 90 degrees using magnifying glasses stolen from science class.\nDuring our next few visits to the library, while researching the origin of our own species, we began to notice the emergence of a new one. This species' rapid evolution coincided with that of the Internet. This species was the Pervertus maximus. Typically observed occupying a computer in the dimly lit and poorly ventilated corner of the library, most of these individuals are males in their early 40s who have not shaved for weeks and can be found basking in the pornographic glow of their publicly funded monitor. Because of their repulsiveness, this evolving species finally convinced our parents to stop forcing us to visit the library. Thus, the golden age of library avoidance began.\nLike all great eras of civilization, ours too had to come to a close. The library re-emerged as a powerful force upon our entrance into the realm of higher education. "Goosebumps" has been replaced by academic journals, but the spawn of the Pervertus maximus has gradually replaced its predecessor and, unfortunately, become the library's master race. Visible pornography has been replaced by the social pornography that is Facebook. This, coupled with the advent of tools (i.e. cell phones), has led to the population boom of the library Facebooker: Productivius prohibitus. They manage to not only invade our computer space but also to penetrate our ears with their loud voices, seemingly acting as evangelists for obnoxiousness. \nThese creatures have infested the library beyond the computer areas. The quiet floors are no longer quiet, and the group study floors have devolved into an orgy of I-CORE students. This makes us yearn for the days when the most terrifying thing about going to the library was reading the books.