Goody Two-shoes

They were big, black and furry like a pair of yak legs. I immediately got out my camera phone to document the spectacle. It wasn't a Big Foot sighting, but it was pretty darn close. I was staring at a young woman who entered the library wearing colossal, hairy boots that were downright Paleolithic.\nI've seen a lot of strange footwear, but women have developed a reputation for shoe obsession.\nAlthough determining whether women actually own more shoes than men would require a shoes census, it's fair to say that women are at least perceived to be more excited about shoes than men.\nBut I despise most stereotypes placed on women, so I did some counting. I only have 38 pairs of shoes. That's not a lot, right?\nWhile looking into my closet, a male friend once said, "I've never had a greater urge to dive into a pile of shoes."\nThe bland, heterosexual explanation for the female shoe craze would say that women want to have numerous stylish shoes to heighten their sex appeal to men. But a man's eyes probably never make it to a woman's feet unless she's wearing those cool shoes with red blinky lights.\nSo why do women like shoes so much? I'm only going to speak for myself. (The reasons why other women have gobs of shoes could be completely different.)\nFirst of all, I have very few friends. I've learned that you can't buy friends. But you can buy shoes. My shoe collection has become a close social network.\nWho am I kidding? They're like family. I dress each pair up for tea time promptly at noon each day. The stilettos only take one lump of sugar and the sneakers are allergic to biscuits.\nSome nights, all 38 pairs and I watch marathons of "Sex and the City," but the boots usually fall asleep early.\nSecond, they say your actions can be controlled by body parts other than your brain. Men are supposedly controlled by their genitalia; I am controlled by my feet. I do whatever my feet instruct me to do, which includes buying them fancy new outer casings rather frequently so they can eventually take over the world and enslave the human race. (Please help me.)\nLastly, my main reason for buying lots of shoes is inspiration. My true calling is to become a folk singer-songwriter. I sing exclusively about shoes. Baby, I've got the blues. I have too many shoes. \nI know there are women who own fewer than seven pairs of shoes by choice. I've also seen enough episodes of "MTV Cribs" to know that men have the capacity to get crazy with footwear, too: "No, this isn't the master bedroom. This is my walk-in closet full of Nikes. I never wear them more than once."\nThe reason why women are expected to love shoes might be an even greater mystery than why someone would wear yak boots to the library.