Do it the gay way

I arrived "fashionably early" to a party Thursday night. The apartment was vacuumed, decorated and blasting "Fergalicious" so loud that I could barely contain myself. I watched as the party's host put a padlock on his closet and questioned if he should wear the grey V-neck or the white one. Oh, this was no ordinary party.\nThis was a gay party.\nGay parties are parties that mainly consist of gay men and their female hags. Other guests often include the token straight guy, a posse of well-groomed squirrels and Kenneth Cole.\nBut gay parties are really just like "normal" parties --\nonly not at all. \nThe most obvious difference between gay and straight parties, is that the gays actually put an effort into how they dress. Throughout the night, I never saw a stain or a rip. In fact, after one partygoer accidentally spilled beer on the collar of his button-up, a nearby gang of boys attacked him with a pocket-sized spray bottle of stain remover and a washcloth before the stain could set. \nBeing a heterosexual lady and all, this got me wondering: Why can't straight guys make this much effort? Is it that much harder to have a top that buttons or jeans that fit? \nGuys were complimenting other guys, guys were complimenting ladies and 18 Jell-O shots into the evening I was just complimenting myself. It was like the after-party for a self-esteem workshop. (If you ever become the victim of second-degree facial burns, just head to a gay party. "Oh, honey, your burnt flesh looks fierce next to those brown eyes!")\nWhile I remained mostly in a particularly catty corner of the kitchen, I got the down low on everybody-- Who's dating whom, who's sleeping with whom and where did they get those fabulous shoes.\nThus, I have traveled to queer country and back to sprinkle homosexual fashion onto the straight men. \nFirst things first: blazers. Worn casually with jeans and a T-shirt underneath, this is a surefire way to get noticed by the ladies. Try one in a darker shade (like navy or black), and avoid anything too bright or you'll end up looking like a member of New Kids on the Block.\nI also noticed gay guys are big on layering -- an art most straight men are unfamiliar with (like foreplay and doing the dishes). Perhaps my favorite combination of the evening was a vertically striped button-up with a diagonally striped tie, all covered by a solid V-neck sweater. This guy got more play than the one walking around with trays of condoms and baby quiches.\nThe key to layering is to keep the patterns and colors to a minimum. Make sure at least one of the items you're layering is a solid, neutral color. Also, don't clash more than two patterns together or you'll just look drunk.\nNot only did these boys dress well, but they had the feet to prove it. There was not a Croc or Air Force One in sight. Instead, I was drooling over their leather loafers all night. If only gay men were into women.\nSuffice it to say I learned a lot at this party. I learned how many Jell-O shots is too many Jell-O shots, why not to write the word "PENIS" on your arm with a Sharpie (it's still there) and, most importantly, that gay guys dress a hell of a lot better than everyone else.