I fought Black Friday, and I won

Everyone has a time of year that's special to them. For some, it's Restless Leg Syndrome Education & Awareness Week; for others, it's Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month. Well, this weekend was my special time. \nI ate broccoli cheese casserole with my long lost extended family. I listened to my aunt talk relentlessly about her new kitchen cabinets with unwavering interest and concentration. And, most importantly, I shopped. A lot. \nMy first shopping excursion took place at midnight on Thanksgiving night; the second was Friday afternoon, and the third was Saturday evening. Here are the tales I have to tell:\nThursday night was probably the most hazardous to my health. Two friends and I trekked to the Lighthouse Place Premium Outlets in Michigan City, Ind., for the midnight madness sale around, well, midnight. I distinctly recall my friend Jay asking if we were going to be the only ones there, considering it was past America's bedtime and -- gasp! -- Michigan City doesn't even have a Hollister.\nHow wrong we were. Not only were we not the only ones there, but I think my unborn children and Kevin Federline were the only people who didn't show up to the party. The place was madness. \nMy goal for Thursday wasn't so much shopping for myself as it was staying alive. Our SUV got cut off at least six times while we hunted for parking, probably by some fat family trying to catch a deal at the Hickory Farms sausage outlet. The Coach store had a line of ladies so long you'd think they were giving away free Smirnoff Ice and an autographed picture of Vin Diesel with every purchase. My boys bought some ties and sweaters at the Ralph Lauren store while I hid in fear from the mutinous crowd in a tiny dressing room, and then we got the hell out of there.\nFriday wasn't a real shopping trip either. It was more like foreplay for Saturday's excursion. I did, however, pick up a great pair of metallic flats (a hit this season) at DSW, everyone's favorite shoe warehouse. And, after avoiding countless fleece faux pas at Old Navy, I managed to pick up an extra-long gray zip-up sweater and some knee-high argyle socks -- my No. 3 weakness after jalapeno poppers and babies wearing FUBU.\nNow, if Friday was fondling, then Saturday was hot, hot sex. My charitable mother and I drove all the way out to Schaumburg, Ill., to go to Woodfield Mall -- or The Mecca, if you prefer. It's an homage to the ancient god of Nordstrom's.\nMy first attack occurred at Forever21, of course, where I tried on enough empire waist dresses to clothe a small village. Everything is longer this season; dresses now double as tops, and even standard cardigans have become longer, four-button "grandpa" sweaters.\nAnd when Madonna sang "Gonna dress you up in my love," she was probably talking about the 2006-07 holiday season because heart details are still all over the place. Buttons, bags, tunics -- they're all feeling the love, which, I must admit, is more appealing than that dumb skull trend.\nH&M was all about skinny pants and the military look, except for Madonna's collection, which was all about 1985 and tracksuits. Thankfully, there were lots of sweaters and coats to warm up to, a nice contrast to my skanky Forever21 selections.\nAs far as shoes go, my hopes and dreams were shattered when I fell in love with a $69 pair of mustard yellow boots at Steve Madden that turned out to be $169. I might as well have stomped my feet and told the Steve Madden salesgirls that they weren't invited to my party. Luckily, Bakers came to my rescue with a $59 pair of brown leather ankle boots, but I'm still not sure if I'm allowed back in to any Steve Madden store in North America. \nI left the mall with enough heavy bags to beat and mangle the male model who poses in front of Abercrombie wearing a winter coat and rock-hard pecs, so I suppose it was a successful trip.