Vote to seduction

The deadline has come. Our social framework is based on the assumption that you, educated reader, take action today. The burden is on your shoulders to take responsibility for the future of our nation. \nToday is the deadline to register to vote in Indiana, and I implore you: Don't do it! Not only should you refrain from switching your registration to Monroe Country, but come Election Day, you would be well advised not to vote for any candidate in any jurisdiction, anywhere. \nNow, before you cast me off as an unpatriotic freedom-hating French-lover, allow me to present my case. I must inform you that the following information is backed by exhaustive sociological research best referenced on the back of cereal boxes. I, by the way, once took a sociology course as an elective for a real degree. It was extremely comforting to be in a classroom that included every member of the football team, each of whom was (coincidentally) double majoring in sociology and tourism management. But I digress.\nVoting is a method by which democracy is employed. Yes, it is essential to our political system that we have competent stewards of the public good who represent our interest at all levels of government. However, I contend that electing good officials comes at a very high price: a price that we cannot afford to pay. Recent events in Congress highlight this problem like no other example could: There is a direct link between voting, alcoholism and promiscuous young teenagers. \nConsider the evidence: Voting puts people into public office. Holding office is stressful and overwhelming and leads to (at absolutely no fault of the official) excessive drinking. While under the influence of alcohol, our elected officials run the risk of falling under the spell of evil teenagers, who seek nothing less than the sexual exploitation of these defenseless officials. \nThe case of former Rep. Mark Foley highlights this sad state of affairs. Poor Mr. Foley was doing nothing more than what the voters of Florida asked of him, when he was viciously taken advantage of by sadistic Congressional pages. It is clear that had he not been elected to office, Foley could have lived his life as an ordinary hypocritical Republican without fear of being seduced by those naughty youths. \nAccording to www.Imadethisallup.com, 15,000 elected officials (from city councilmen to Congressmen) were forced into compromising sexual situations by teenagers in 2005. Further research from The Center for Ridiculously Obvious Political Irony, a respected think tank, states that the majority of all officials who have been duped by malicious youth were conservatives whose traditional family and moral values saved them from eternal damnation. Next month's issue of That's A Lame Excuse! magazine is expected to have an article reporting that every personal problem of elected officials can be traced to having been abused by a "clergyman." \nBased on this overwhelming body of evidence, it is readily apparent why you must not vote! The future of the country (and a certain political party) depends on it.