Spam I am

A wise British pop singer named Petula Clark once said, er, sang: "When you're alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go -- downtown."\nThat's a great idea. But if you're not looking for hookers, there's a better way to end your loneliness. Check your e-mail. You have an inbox full of love. \nBut before you run to your computer, I will warn you: Your friends and family did not e-mail you. They don't have the time, or they simply don't care. (And honestly, who could blame them?)\nEveryone is looking for love, acceptance and companionship. All of those things are sent to you in unsolicited, bulk messages known as spam. True, you don't know who or what sent you these messages, but that doesn't nullify their loving sentiment. \nA lot of people complain about spam, but these people simply have difficulty accepting love. A few therapy sessions might help conquer a fear of unsolicited, bulk intimacy.\nYou get lots of e-mail. You're popular. Accept it.\nYou probably apply a filter to block spam. But ask yourself this question: If it weren't wonderful, why would they name it after canned meat?\nSometimes I sit alone in the dark and cry and I think to myself: "Does anybody out there care?" When I check my e-mail and see so many ways to get instantaneous capital that I can use any way I want, I know the answer is yes.\nSpammers are always sending good news. For example, I have $715,810 in unclaimed lottery prize money. If it weren't for spam, I wouldn't even know I could afford to quit my job.\nMr. Chow Lee of Hong Kong e-mailed me to say he considers me a trusted friend and wants to include me in a business endeavor. I was so excited to finally have someone I could call "friend." And I was flattered that he thought I was qualified enough to tend to his financial affairs.\nI was also lucky enough to receive an e-mail from the CEO of a Russian oil company. He needs my help to "re-profile" $42.3 million, providing me with a sweet 10 percent kickback. \nOf course, it was supposed to be confidential, so I guess I blew it. Boris, if you're reading this, is there any way I can regain your trust?\nSpammers also show they care about your health by telling you about numerous weight-loss opportunities. Some might even be FDA-approved. It stings when spam says you're fat, but that's tough love.\nI know spam cares. Why else would I get so many offers for discount prescription drugs for when my erectile dysfunction flares up? And I never asked for additional information on "male enhancement" but, if that's not love, I don't know what is.\nThe world might seem cold and cruel, but electronic caring is abundant. No matter how impersonal you might think bulk e-mail is, it has to be better than looking for tricks downtown with Petula Clark.